


Sheer Dumb Luck

by angryintrovert



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-12 18:41:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 23,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7118002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angryintrovert/pseuds/angryintrovert
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Courfeyrac has too much fun with Grantaire's contact list, Grantaire makes far too many threats to complete strangers, and Enjolras, as usual, is just a little bit confused. </p><p>Text fic. Occasionally OOC.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Saturday, April 14th**

 

**4:22 am:** i s2g dude im gonna cut ur dick off  & feed it to ladon and ull never get laid again & ur gonna regret EVER BEING BORN & BEG ME FOR FORGIVENESS EVERY DAY UNTIL U DIE

**4:31 am:** _...what?_

**4:34 am:** dont play innocent with me dickweed i know it was u

**4:36 am:** _I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong number._

**4:41 am:** im not falling for that this time courf u motherfucker

**4:42 am:** _What is a courf?_

**4:42 am:** _Never mind._

**4:43 am:** _You have the wrong number._

**4:48 am:** UR NOT GETTING OUT OF IT THIS TIME. I KNOW WHERE U LIVE. U MAY BE BIGGER THAN ME, BUT ILL HAVE MONTPARNASSE BEAT YOU UP FOR ME. HE STILL OWES ME FOR CHICAGO.

**4:51 am:** _I don't know any Montparnasse or courf or anything about Chicago? You really have the wrong number. Please stop texting me._

**4:53 am:** LADON IS HUNGRY. FOR UR DICK.

**4:54 am:** AND NOT IN THE BESTIAL SENSE.

**4:54 am:** HUNGER. CAT HUNGER.

**4:56 am:** _I'm going to regret asking this, but is your cat named after a Greek guardian dragon?_

**4:59 am:** yes courf weve been over this

**5:00 am:** ladon. angry cat with the soul of a dragon.

**5:02 am:** stop distracting me. it will not prevent ur inevitable genital vivisection.

**5:05 am:** _I still don't know what a courf is, but I'm pretty sure I'm not one. My name is Enjolras, and I have no idea who you are? And I need to focus on writing a paper, so if you could please kindly stop texting me, it would be GREATLY APPRECIATED._

**5:09 am:** i dont think that u have any right to judge courf when ur name is enjolarjajsjwias tbh

**5:10 am:** is that swedish or somethin

**5:12 am:** _French._

**5:15 am:** hon hon croissant

**5:16 am:** _That's not funny._

**5:19 am:** yes it is

**5:21 am:** _I NEED TO WRITE A PAPER SO PLEASE STOP TEXTING ME_

**5:23 am:** u could just stop replying

 

**9:26 am:** hows the paper goin

**9:32 am:** _Much better once my phone stopped buzzing_

**9:34 am:** happy to hear it

**9:35 am:** whats it on

**9:39 am:** _The horror of monarchies_

**9:40 am:** _I’d love to elaborate, but my brain is fried. Later?_

**9:42 am:** sounds like fun

**9:42 am:** that was a lie

**9:43 am:** it sounds terrible. 

**9:47 am:** _Not an academic, then?_

**9:49 am:** HA. never.

**9:54 am:** _Consider yourself lucky._

 

**3:05 pm:** have u ever noticed that the word bed is shaped like a bed

**3:05 pm:** how do u think that happened

**3:06 pm:** do u think it was intentional

**3:08 pm:** _Hello to you too_

**3:08 pm:** idk dude it seems too coincidental to be a mistake

**3:08 pm:** like

**3:08 pm:** that couldnt have just happened right

**3:09 pm:** what are the chances

**3:13 pm:** _Is this the kind of stuff you think about?_

**3:16 pm:** more fun than trying to topple the monarchy through academia

**3:17 pm:** _Touché._

 

**8:51 pm:** _Do you mind if I ask who Courf is, and why you planned to remove some of his more… useful body parts?_

**9:07 pm:** courf the shitbag stole my phone when i was drunk  & changed all my contact names. for example, my roommate is now king tut, & my ex was renamed voldemort.

**9:09 pm:** he also changed his phone number in my phone to some random one, so that i couldnt eviscerate him over the phone  & since hes bigger than me, well, that was sorta my only option

**9:17 pm:** _I see._

**9:19 pm:** yeah

**9:20 pm:** id apologize but ur amusing

**9:20 pm:** ur aggressive when angry

**9:23 pm:** _Says the one who opened with a threat of castration_

**9:25 pm:** fair point

 

**Sunday, April 15th**

 

**12:11 am:** so dude. tell me something about urself.

**12:15 am:** I _hardly know you._

**12:17 am:** yes, thats usually why u tell ppl things about urself. so u can get to know them. see how that works?

**12:20 am:** besides, i already know some things about u. ur in academia  & u hate monarchies & u get cranky when u dont sleep well. u also have some unpronounceable french name that looks swedish or something

**12:26 am:** _You could write my biography already._

**12:29 am:** it would be easier if u would cooperate

**12:33 am:** _I’m not giving my address to some cellular hooligan I’ve never met._

**12:38 am:** cellular hooligan? what are u, 300?

**12:40 am:** ALL HAIL ENJOLARAUHIDSJADS, THE ANTEDILUVIAN ACADEMIC

**12:41 am:** _Hilarious._

**12:46 am:** i try

**12:54 am:** _I don’t know anything about you, other than that you have a penchant for graphic violence, and a friend who thinks he’s funny._

**12:57 am:** most ppl call me r

**1:00 am:** _Like the letter?_

**1:02 am:** no, like kelly

**1:05 am:** _Oh?_

**1:06 am:** _I don’t understand the referenc_ e.

**1:09 am:** I BELIEVE I CAN FLYYYYY

**1:10 am:** yes, r, like the letter. jesus, grandpa.

**1:14 am:** _I see._

**1:27 am:** now can i have ur address?

**1:30 am:** _Go to bed._

**1:37 am:** night, grampy. see u in the morning!!!!!!!!!

 

**3:21 pm:** _26._

**3:39 pm:** INCHES?

**3:47 pm:** _Jesus._

**3:49 pm:** _No. Years._

**3:56 pm:** damn. that couldve been a world record or somethin

**4:01 pm:** i just googled it. u wouldve been a world record holder.

**4:06 pm:** what a way to go down in history

**4:09 pm:** what a way to go down ON history

**4:10 pm:** heh

**4:17 pm:** _What are you, 14?_

**4:19 pm:** not quite dude, im nowhere near your almost record. flattered tho

**4:22 pm:** _Why do I even bother_

**4:25 pm:** :)

**5:57 pm:** 23\. im 23

 

**Monday, April 16 th **

**11:51 am:** how are you on this fine morning

**12:11 pm:** _Ugh._

**12:19 pm:** i take that back. its not a fine morning, apparently

**12:22 pm:** _It’d be better if someone hadn’t distracted me from writing my paper this weekend, such that I didn’t get to sleep until 2pm the following day._

**12:28 pm:** thats terrible! who would do such a thing?

**12:31 pm:** _Who indeed…_

**12:38 pm:** i dont know what ur so miserable about tbh

**12:39 pm:** i consider myself lucky if i get more than 2 hrs a night

**12:45 pm:** _Some of us have commitments during the week._

**12:52 pm:** i have a job, thank u very much

**12:55 pm:** _A job that lets you text throughout?_

**1:09 pm:** nah, just a boss who isnt terrible

**1:21 pm:** _What do you do?_

**1:38 pm:** im almost solely responsible for the complete intoxication of most of bushwicks starving artists

**1:39 pm:** including myself

**1:44 pm:** _Almost?_

**1:52 pm:** see aforementioned text abt not entirely terrible boss

**1:58 pm:** _So, you’re a bartender?_

**2:07 pm:** mostly

**2:12 pm:** _Do you take joy in being deliberately ambiguous?_

**2:18 pm:** do u take joy in texting like an old professor OH WAIT

**2:25 pm:** _I’m not a professor. Yet._

**2:28 pm:** yet.

**2:29 pm:** now whos being deliberately ambiguous

**2:39 pm:** _I’m a PhD candidate. Still a student._

**2:50 pm:** ohhhh ur a professional student

**2:56 pm:** _Essentially._

**3:03 pm:** so how do u have so much time to text

**3:05 pm:** bars are practically dead until midnight here so i have plenty of time to text uptight grad students with unpronounceable names

**3:06 pm:** u on the other hand

**3:15 pm:** _I’ll ignore the uptight grad student comment. I’m correcting 1 st year poli sci essays. It makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a spatula and feed them to my roommate’s rats._

**3:16 pm:** so im ur distraction

**3:19 pm:** _Indeed._

**3:24 pm:** ur taking advantage of my loneliness & great texting skills

**3:25 pm:** im not sure how i feel about that

**3:26 pm:** are u cute? im happy to oblige if ur cute

**3:31 pm:** _I’m not even going to dignify that with a response._

**3:35 pm:** so no selfies then?

**5:06 pm:** damn

 

**10:16 pm:** _WHY DO UNDERGRADUATES NOT UNDERSTAND THE BASIC CONCEPT OF LEGITIMATE POLITICAL AUTHORITY_

**10:18 pm:** _THIS TRASH - IT IS AN INSULT TO ROUSSEAU’S GOOD NAME._

**10:43 pm:** well in their defense, they were probably all drunk when they wrote those essays

**10:45 pm:** i dont think i wrote a single essay sober during my entire college career

**10:57 pm:** _ROUSSEAU DESERVES BETTER._

**11:01 pm:** jesus christ do u have a massive boner for this guy or what

**11:08 pm:** _There’s no need to be crude. I find that Rousseau’s idea of the social contract is a key concept to understanding the idea of legitimate political authority, and it was integral in establishing political reform all over Europe, particularly in abolishing the monarchy._

**11:11 pm:** im sorry i asked

 

**Tuesday, April 17 th **

**3:24 am:** hey

**3:25 am:** heyh eey hrey eyyehyeh enjyaposjas

**3:27 am:** enjoalsd;msdr

**3:28 am:** enjoaslrasrasrj

**3:28 am:** enjy

**3:29 am:** ENJY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**3:32 am:** urr lixky i rhink intellgwnxe is hoy

**3:32 am:** hoy

**3:33 am:** HOY

**3:34 am:** HOT

**3:39 am:** TA;K PILILITICAAAL SUTHOERITY 2 ME BASBYYY

**3:41 am:** LOBE MR SOMME   ROUUOSZZZEAU

**3:47 am:** gd nifhgt

 

**7:12 am:** _Jesus_.

**7:13 am:** _Please drink some water when you get this. You’ll probably need it._

 

**1:44 pm:** _R?_

**6:17 pm:** _Please still be alive._

**8:58 pm:** _I’d grown accustomed to your… idiosyncratic text messages. My day was rather dull without them._

 

**11:31 pm:** _Please text me back. I’m starting to worry._

**Wednesday, April 18 th**

**10:06 am:** _Alright. Since in reality, I know very little about you, my worry is, well, worrying. I’m just going to pretend that you’ve grown tired of texting unknown graduate students, and have simply decided to ignore me. That’s fine too._

**10:39 am:** _Please have a lovely day. And life._

**10:44 pm:** _That wasn’t meant to be passive-aggressive, I swear._

**7:09 pm:** _DAMMIT R EVEN IF YOU DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW ME WOULD YOU PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU’RE ALIVE BECAUSE I’M ACTUALLY WORRIED JUST PLEASE TEXT ME BACK WHEN YOU GET THIS THANK YOU IN ADVANCE_


	2. Chapter 2

**Thursday, April 19 th**

**4:17 pm:** ferre

**4:18 pm:** is enj ok 

**4:18 pm:** he’s looked at his phone more times in the past half hour combined than in the last month???????

**4:19 pm: _He’s been glued to his phone for two days. I’m as confused as you are._**

**4:20 pm:** the guy once threw my phone down a stairwell because he thought i wasn’t paying attention to where i was going

**4:22 pm:** and now nobody has said a word for 5 minutes and yet all enj is doing is staring at his phone screen

**4:25 pm: _I initially presumed that he was waiting on an email from the admissions panel for a conference on political philosophy to whom he submitted a paper, but I checked their website, and there won’t be any results for another week or so._**

**4:27 pm:** oh dear

**4:28 pm:** enjolras is a pod person speculation: round 3 

**4:31 pm: _You and your Capgras delusions._**

**4:38 pm: _Jehan. Please tell me you saw that._**

**4:39 pm:** so this is a shared hallucination? was there something in the coffee?

**4:41 pm:** enjolras, hater of capitalistic corporate techno monopolies, just hugged his iphone to his chest. alert the media. he’s finally lost it. 

**4:42 pm: _I’m worried._**

**4:44 pm:** should we ask?

**4:45 pm: _I tried earlier. He avoided the question. Brought up some drivel about a weather forecast and possible rain showers later in the evening._**

**4:47 pm:** typical enj

**4:50 pm: _Let’s wait. Observe a bit more. If we ask, he’ll get defensive._**

**4:53 pm:** solid plan. is enjolras a pod person: a science experiment.

**4:36 pm:** omg dude

**4:37 pm:** u care

**4:37 pm:** im flattered

**4:38 pm:** _You’re ok._

**4:40 pm:** i am

**4:40 pm:** _Do I even want to know?_

**4:43 pm:** well

**4:44 pm:** uh

**4:45 pm:** _Alcohol was involved, presumably._

**4:48 pm:** yeah. nasty hangover. do not recommend mixing rum & whiskey. terrible. 0/10.

**4:51 pm:** i may have sorta accidentally kinda dropped my phone in the toilet

**4:52 pm:** _Hence the late reply._

**4:56 pm:** nailed it

**4:58 pm:** my friend managed to extract all my info & shit & get it onto a new phone, but it took a couple days

**5:09 pm:** _I see._

**5:36 pm:** uh. yeah.

 

**8:03 pm:** did i do something wrong

**8:12 pm:** _Why do you ask?_

**8:17 pm:** u seem angry. angrier than usual, which isnt saying much butttttttt

**8:24 pm:** _It’s fine. I’m fine. You’re fine. Everything is fine._

**8:26 pm:** the enjolras doth protest too much, methinks

**8:33 pm:** _I mean, I hardly know you._

**8:35 pm:** _What reason could I possibly have to be angry with you? I mean, we’ve never met, I don’t know what ‘R’ even stands for. I have no right to be angry that you disappeared for a few days after a drunken texting marathon, leaving me worried that you had died of alcohol poisoning or the like._

**8:38 pm:** i actually dont know what to say to that

**8:40 pm:** congrats enjy, uve rendered me speechless after not even a week, something my mother tried and failed at for 23 years straight

**8:41 pm:** to be fair, i also failed at 23 years straight

**8:42 pm:** i made it about 3 months before giving in to the homosexuality

**8:44 pm:** anyways im sorry i worried u. it was unintentional. i can assure u that i did not intend to drop my phone in the toilet

**8:47 pm:** _It’s fine._

**8:51 pm:** the passive-aggression says otherwise

**9:02 pm:** _I’m glad you don’t have alcohol poisoning._

**9:05 pm:** awwwWWWWW ENJY U CAAAAAAAARE

**9:11 pm:** _Don’t call me Enjy._

**9:14 pm:** whatever u say, enjy. whatever u say.

 

**Friday, April 20 th **

**1:29 pm:** have u ever heard of the emu war

**2:04 pm:** _The what?_

**2:07 pm:** the emu war

**2:07 pm:** ill take that as a no

**2:14 pm:** australia. 1932. a group of brave, desperate emus arrive in western australian farm territory. the humans, a terrible, depraved bunch, are determined to keep all their wealth to themselves. the humans sent in a branch of the national military to take care of the birds, but to no avail. the humans & their pitiful human weapons were no match for the mighty emus. the leader of the humans said of the birds, with grudging respect: ‘if we had a military division with the bullet-carrying capacity of these birds it would face any army in the world... They can face machine guns with the invulnerability of tanks.’ unfortunately, the birds sustained a blow to their ranks, as almost 1000 birds eventually fell to the humans & their destructive ways. however, ultimately the birds proved too much for the humans & the war was called off, with the emus & the humans agreeing to share the land, in a tentative but uneasy truce that lasts to this day

**2:19 pm:** _That wasn’t a biased account whatsoever._

**2:20 pm:** i take pride in my objectivity

**2:22 pm:** _Of course you do._

**2:29 pm:** _Out of sheer curiosity, is that a real event, or are you just an exceptionally dramatic storyteller?_

**2:35 pm:** i would never lie about a story as intense & beautiful as the great emu war of 1932

**2:39 pm:** _Hmm._

**2:43 pm:** its completely real. theres a wikipedia page & everything

**2:48 pm:** _Yes, because Wikipedia is such a reliable source._

**2:56 pm:** oh my god would u stop being so professorial holy shit

**2:57 pm:** i graduated. im done with reliable citing & good sources & all that shit

**3:01 pm:** _There is nothing wrong with proper citations and trustworthy sources. Learning to cite reliably is a lifelong skill, and one that should be used to one’s advantage._

**3:08 pm:** oh my god would u stop

**3:09 pm:** mr highbrow hoity toity franco-swedish political devotee

**3:14 pm:** _Excuse me, that’s Dr. Highbrow Hoity Toity Franco-Swedish Political Devotee to you._

**3:16 pm:** i thought u were just a phd candidate?

**3:20 pm:** _Fuck._

**3:21 pm:** HA

**3:22 pm:** GOTCHA

**3:31 pm:** _Fine. That’s FUTURE Dr. Highbrow Hoity Toity Franco-Swedish Political Devotee to you._

**3:36 pm:** there we go

 

**Saturday, April 21 st **

**12:09 am:** happy anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**12:14 am:** _Excuse me?_

**12:18 am:** weve officially been texting buds for a week

**12:23 am:** _That isn’t an anniversary._

**12:26 am:** what

**12:30 am:** _The word anniversary implies a year. ANNIversary._

**12:41 am:** god dammit enjolras dont ruin our anniversary with ur pettiness

**12:44 am:** _Not to mention that we haven’t actually been talking for a week, seeing as you drunk texted me and then dropped your phone in a toilet, thus leading me to believe that you were most likely unconscious in a back alley for a few days, and causing me a great deal of stress._

**12:49 am:** are u still bitter abt that

**12:52 am:** _I’m not bitter, I’m simply making a point._

**1:08 am:** yes. an exceptionally bitter & passive aggressive point.

**1:11 am:** u have a bit of a problem with passive aggression

**1:18 am:** _I DO NOT._

**1:24 am:** denial isnt just a river in egypt

**1:26 am:** _Denial isn’t a river in Egypt. The Nile on the other hand…_

**1:31 am:** enjolras what did i say about ur professorial tendencies

**1:37 am:** _You like my professorialism._

**1:41 am:** DO i? that is news to me

**1:45 am:** _Mhm._

**1:51 am:** Hi. As R’s boss, I’d kindly ask that you refrain from texting him on our busiest night of the week, because you’re distracting him from his JOB. His PAYING JOB. Every time you text him, he turns bright red and then proceeds to ignore all the customers while he tries desperately to think of a witty comeback. So I’m going to keep his phone for the rest of the night, and you can rest assured that he will be back to flirt with you in the morning. And if you continue to text him while he’s supposed to be working, please know that I will find you and I will cut your balls off and serve them to my customers with spiced rum and French fries.

**1:55 am:** _I. What. Uh. Ok._

**2:34 pm:** im sorry about eponine

**2:35 pm:** shes terrifying. & has a tendency to exaggerate.

**2:51 pm:** _So I can keep my testicles?_

**2:54 pm:** u can keep ur testicles.

**2:55 pm:** probably.

**3:01 pm:** _Probably?_

**3:04 pm:** ep realizes that serving your testes would probably get her shut down by the health inspector. so ur nuts are probably safe.

**3:08 pm:** _Again, probably?_

**3:11 pm:** eponine in a rage is entirely unpredictable. nobody is safe.

**3:18 pm:** _Jesus._

**3:19 pm:** _In that case, please stop texting me when you’re at work. For my sake. And also probably yours._

**3:24 pm:** probably?

**3:27 pm:** _Probably._

**3:30 pm:** maybe probably will be our always

**3:36 pm:** _Did you just quote JOHN GREEN at me?_

**3:40 pm:** :)

**3:43 pm:** _Oh my god._

**3:45 pm:** _You’re a nerd._

**3:51 pm:** a few days ago u texted me in a rage bc ur students werent properly appreciating rousseau, yet im the nerd?

**3:54 pm:** _I’m in academia. Everyone in academia is a nerd. It’s kind of in the job description._

**3:59 pm:** that is a frustratingly good point

**4:04 pm:** _:)_


	3. Chapter 3

**Sunday, April 22 nd**

**1:12 pm:** hey dude do u have facebook

**1:27 pm:** _No, I don’t really believe in social media._

**1:32 pm:** you. dont believe in social media.

**1:33 pm:** what the foggy hell is that supposed to mean

**1:38 pm:** _I don’t believe in allowing private media conglomerates into my personal life. Who I interact with, what I like, my political views – these aren’t things that they need to know, especially seeing as their primary goal is directed marketing for profit. They have no qualms about selling my personal information to the highest bidder._

**1:40 pm:** _Furthermore, I have no reason to keep in touch with most people in my acquaintance. My friends know how to contact me, why would I need to spread myself all over the Internet for those who do not matter to me?_

**1:46 pm:** oh my god

**1:47 pm:** how am i supposed to stalk u then

**1:50 pm:** _You’re not._

**1:51 pm:** _This is precisely why I stay away from social media. So random individuals are not privy to my personal information._

**1:55 pm:** random? i take offense to that

**1:56 pm:** u text me back

**1:57 pm:** im hardly a ‘random individual’

**1:57 pm:** i mean, ill accept ‘cellular hooligan’, but ‘random individual’? i am offended.

**2:00 pm:** _I still don’t know your real name._

**2:02 pm:** oh i see. so if i tell u my real name, ill no longer be a random individual? then ill just be an individual with random tendencies

**2:04 pm:** _Essentially._

**2:05 pm:** _Granted, you’re still an odd individual._

**2:09 pm:** now u sound like my ex

**2:12 pm:** _What?_

**2:16 pm:** ‘grantaire, ur still an odd individual. not ur fault. but i dont date odd ppl.’

**2:19 pm:** _What?_

**2:21 pm:** r is short for grantaire

**2:22 pm:** but very few ppl call me grantaire

**2:25 pm:** _And you said my name was strange._

**2:29 pm:** hey at least my name is pronounceable

**2:33 pm:** _Actually, your name sounds French too_

**2:37 pm:** yeaaaaaah ive heard that one before

**2:39 pm:** my dad is moroccan, my mom is mexican. they couldnt decide on a name when i was born, so they picked a whole bunch from a baby name book & then picked one out of a hat

**2:41 pm:** _You’re joking._

**2:44 pm:** i wish i was

**2:45 pm:** theres a reason i go by r & only r

**2:46 pm:** my siblings are emma & clara. emma, clara, & grantaire. like. cmon.

**2:57 pm:** _I see your point._

**2:59 pm:** _My parents named me after a character in their favorite book. They met in an English class freshman year. Ironically, my parents are both French, and the book they were reading was an English translation of a French classic._

**3:05 pm:** do u speak french?

**3:07 pm:** _Bien sûr. C’est ma langue maternelle._

**3:10 pm:** dude that is so cool

**3:12 pm:** despite the fact that my dad speaks french & arabic, & mom speaks spanish, im literally only fluent in english.

**3:14 pm:** i can swear in all 4 languages tho. but thats abt it.

**3:19 pm:** _Ahhhh, les gros mots. La meilleure partie de n’importe quelle langue._

**3:22 pm:** now ur just showing off

**3:26 pm:** _Moi? En train de me vanter? Jamais!_

**3:30 pm:** u cant see me but im rolling my eyes anyways

**3:33 pm:** _Quelle surprise._

**4:19 pm: r u willing to concede that my phone hacking was the best thing 2 ever happen 2 ur love life**

**4:25 pm:** go away courf

**4:32 pm: that’s a yes isn’t it**

**4:35 pm:** im not answering that

**4:37 pm: my matchmaking skills are fuckin legendary**

**4:38 pm: first i got bossuet and joly together. then i got bahorel and feuilly together. then i got musichetta together with bossuet and joly in an eternally happy ménage a trois. now its u and ur cute grad student!!**

**4:43 pm:** firstly, hes not my grad student. secondly, idek if hes cute or not. thirdly, the only reason im texting him is bc u were too scared to let me face u after ur phone hacking that made my life hell btw

**4:47 pm: scared???? me???? PERISH THE THOUGHT.**

**4:52 pm:** mhm. which is why u changed literally EVERY SINGLE NAME IN MY CONTACT LIST EXCEPT URS, WHICH WAS ALSO THE ONLY ONE WITH A BRAND NEW & COMPLETELY RANDOM PHONE NUMBER

**4:57 pm: yes. it was all a part of my grand master plan 2 get u a boyfriend. **

**5:00 pm:** yes except enjolras isnt my boyfriend. im not even sure if hes gay.

**5:03 pm: 1) yet. 2) he 100% is. **

**5:06 pm:** & how pray tell do u know that

**5:10 pm: bc im a goddamn genius thats how i know that**

**5:15 pm:** right. how silly of me to forget.

**5:18 pm: ill forgive u this time **

**5:23 pm:** ur too kind

**5:29 pm: i know, i know**

****

**Monday, April 23 rd **

**2:41 am:** _Please tell me you’re not a Republican._

**2:50 am:** Hi, Enjolras. This is Eponine.

**2:57 am:** _Oh. Uh. Hi._

**2:59 am:** What did I say about texting Grantaire while he’s at work?

**3:04 am:** _In my defense, I’m not entirely sure of his work schedule._

**3:20 am:** hey enj sorry about eponine shes kinda psychotic sometimes

**3:24 am:** _In HER defense, you probably shouldn’t be texting at work._

**3:27 am:** she told me to tell u that she appreciates the comment and it probably saved ur testicles from being sold for profit

**3:29 am:** _Thanks?_

**3:30 am:** _So, why are you still texting? If Eponine is right there? And you were in trouble for it half an hour ago?_

**3:32 am:** 15 min break. ill have to go in a few mins.

**3:33 am:** _Ahhh ok. What IS your work schedule?_

**3:34 am:** u should probably just assume that im always working

**3:35 am:** _You’re also always texting. Also, is that legal?_

**3:35 am:** ep doesnt mind if i text when no ones here & idk but i dont mind it so

**3:36 am:** also. enjolras. im a broke, starving, gay, bartending artist. do u fucking think im a republican

**3:37 am:** _Just checking._

**3:37 am:** as ep just reminded me, i have to get back to work. so. talk to you later?

**3:38 am:** _Yeah. For sure._

**11:19 am:** how is operation ‘is enjolras a pod person’ going

**11:36 am: _Well, the manic phone checking of last week is gone, but the casual phone checking remains._**

**11:42 am:** fascinating. 

**11:42 am:** any theories?

**11:45 am: _Nothing concrete. He won’t tell me who he keeps texting. He’s a terrible liar though, not to mention the fact that he keeps blushing._**

**11:47 am:** ferre. do you think that enj is dating someone?!?!?!

**11:50 am: _At this point, that seems the most likely option._**

**11:51 am:** given what you’ve said, that seems fair. but. enjolras. i mean, i’m happy for him, if that’s really what’s happening. he deserves to be happy. but. it’s enjolras.

**11:56 am: _I honestly have no idea. And I’ve know Enj for 22 years. This is unknown territory._**

**11:58 am:** bring him to my poetry reading on friday. it’s easier to interrogate him about romance when literally everyone around you is also talking about romance. 

**12:04 pm: _Will do._**

**12:05 pm: _I hope he’s okay, Jehan._**

**12:08 pm:** i’m sure he’s fine. we’ll figure it out. 

 

**Monday, April 23 rd **

**6:48 pm:** _Is this weird to you?_

**7:17 pm:** is what weird

**7:19 pm:** actually u know whats weird

**7:20 pm:** sponges

**7:20 pm:** theyre fuckin aquatic jelly squish monsters that we use to wash dirty plates

**7:21 pm:** human imperialism is ridiculous

**7:22 pm:** ahh yes lets use these living sea creatures to clean ourselves in the bathtub

**7:22 pm:** utterly. fucking. ridiculous.

**7:26 pm:** _You have a very strange thought process._

**7:28 pm:** probably true

**7:31 pm:** _But no, I meant this… friendship of ours._

**7:34 pm:** AWWWWW ENJY ARE U FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGING OUR UNDYING FRIEND LOVE

**7:38 pm:** _Uh_

**7:39 pm:** _Yes?_

**7:42 pm:** _Maybe?_

**7:43 pm:** _What’s the right answer?_

**7:47 pm:** ur such a student

**7:48 pm:** but yes we are friends & also no i dont think its weird

**7:50 pm:** _Oh. Good. I’m glad._

**7:51 pm:** _Also, don’t call me Enjy._

**7:55 pm:** eponine says hi

**7:56 pm:** & something else too but im not repeating it

**8:00 pm:** _Why would you say that if you didn’t want me to ask?_

**8:01 pm:** _Also, hi Eponine_

**8:04 pm:** i didnt wanna give you the impression that ep is a nice person by just saying that she said hi

**8:08 pm:** _I see._

**8:11 pm:** _I have a lot of work to do tonight, so my phone will be off for a couple hours. I’ll talk to you tomorrow._

**8:12 pm:** _Goodnight, R._

**8:16 pm:** night enjy 


	4. Chapter 4

**Tuesday, April 24 th**

**1:14 pm:** sooooo enjy

**1:15 pm:** u dating anyone

**1:52 pm:** _Why do you ask?_

**1:57 pm:** why does anyone do anything

**1:59 pm:** that was a rhetorical question. answer my first one

**2:08 pm:** _Well, no, I’m not dating anyone._

**2:15 pm:** great

**2:17 pm:** that means that i dont have to feel guilty about texting u in the middle of the night

**2:21 pm:** _Why would you feel guilty?_

**2:27 pm:** if u were dating someone & they saw texts from some guy at 3am itd probably look kinda fishy

**2:28 pm:** _You’re also a bartender. You don’t seem to sleep. Ever. (You should probably work on that.) I’m sure your texts could be easily justified, were I to have a significant other._

**2:30 pm:** ur one to talk

**2:31 pm:** u usually REPLY to my 3am texts & rather quickly too i might add

**2:38 pm:** _I’m in grad school. No sleep comes with the territory. Nerdiness and exhaustion. That is grad school in a nutshell._

**2:42 pm:** excuses, excuses

**2:45 pm:** _In that case, wouldn’t using your position as a bartender as a reason for staying up late also qualify as an excuse?_

**2:50 pm:** no

**2:51 pm:** they are entirely different situations

**2:54 pm:** _I’d ask how, but your logic (or lack thereof) is unusually infuriating, so I’m just going to… not ask. It’s better for my mental state._

**2:57 pm:** :)

**3:01 pm:** _What about you?_

**3:08 pm:** what about me

**3:13 pm:** _Are you seeing anyone?_

**3:16 pm:** lol i wish

**3:19 pm:** _Oh?_

**3:21 pm:** single & never ready to mingle: the grantaire story

**3:25 pm:** _Oh?_

**3:30 pm:** i do have exceptionally demanding roommates tho. also a cat. so

**3:36 pm:** _Expand._

**3:38 pm:** god ur SUCH A GRAD STUDENT

**3:39 pm:** well considering that i live with eponine

**3:40 pm:** i mean

**3:40 pm:** uve talked to her. u understand.

**3:43 pm:** _All too well._

**3:44 pm:** exactly.

**3:46 pm:** & my cat is a nuisance. his name was originally maurice bartholomew but then he stole my phone & sat on it for 5 hrs so i was forced to rename him after ladon (who as u know is the greek guardian dragon in the garden of the hesperides) bc of his terrific ability to claw my face into another dimension

**3:47 pm:** & my other roommate while not quite as frightening as ep is also ep’s ex

**3:47 pm:** so im sure u can imagine how that goes

**3:50 pm:** _Wait. You live with Eponine and her ex-boyfriend? Why? Not that I have any experience with ex-boyfriends, but doesn’t breaking up usually imply someone also moving out?_

**3:52 pm:** u would think so, yes, but they didnt exactly have a normal breakup

**3:55 pm:** they were a weird match from the beginning. no one saw it coming, which is fuckin rare in my friend group. anyways one day they were fighting when suddenly eponine yelled ‘THIS IS WHY I THINK IM A LESBIAN BC FUCK YOU FUCK ALL GUYS FUCK YOU A LOT’ & then bahorel yelled back ‘I THINK ID LIKE THAT, I WOULD HAPPILY FUCK GUYS A LOT’ so then basically they both realized that they were really fucking gay & now theyre best friends & we all live together in one big really fuckin gay nonstop orgy except without the sex

**4:01 pm:** _That story was a rollercoaster. With an unexpected derailment over a cliff, and sharks at the bottom._

**4:04 pm:** that is the perfect metaphor for the gay maelstrom that is my life

**4:05 pm:** gayelstrom

**4:05 pm:** perfect

**4:06 pm:** anyways

**4:09 pm:** _Anyways._

**4:11 pm:** _I have a tutorial to lead, unfortunately, so I’ll talk to you later._

**4:14 pm:** bye babe ill miss u have fun influencing the minds of the next generation

**5:09 pm: _Jehan, there has been an unexpected development in the Enjolras case._**

**5:10 pm: _And needless to say, I don’t think an intervention will be required on Friday._**

**5:17 pm:** ok ferre you’re going to need to explain that one in more detail

**5:20 pm: _I’ll be back. Enj is having a bit of a nervous breakdown._**

**5:21 pm:** wait what

**8:04 pm: _We’ve solved it._**

**8:08 pm:** please explain. way to leave me hanging earlier, dude. 

**8:10 pm: _So, I got back from class, only to find Enjolras lying on the couch, staring morosely at his phone, halfway through a bottle of whiskey._**

**8:11 pm:** what. enj. day drinking. on a tuesday. what. 

**8:14 pm: _He was muttering about dragons and roller coasters and a big gay orgy, and I honestly thought that he’d finally lost it. I said his name a couple of times, but he didn’t seem to notice I was there. I finally went over to him and sat in front of him and asked him if he was ok, because, well, obviously he WASN’T, but you know Enj._**

**8:16 pm:** it’s like a fucked up wizard of oz. dragons and roller coasters and a big gay orgy, oh my.

**8:19 pm: _So he finally looked at me, and said ‘this would be so much easier if he wasn’t gay’. I asked him who he was talking about, and he handed me his phone, open to a texting conversation with someone called ‘R’, and told me to read it. There were hundreds of messages, and I didn’t go through the whole thing, but I got the gist of it._**

**8:21 pm:** oh my god

**8:25 pm: _So this guy, R, texted Enj by accident a couple weeks ago, and apparently since then, they have become friends, and now they text quite often. As in, daily. R is a bartender. He’s 23. He mocks Enj constantly. He’s a democrat who is well versed in Greek mythology. And he’s gay. And Enj is completely head over heels for him._**

**8:27 pm:** holy shit.

**8:29 pm: _A few weeks ago, when we first noticed Enj’s manic phone checking, it was because R had disappeared, and hadn’t texted him back, and Enj was worried that he had alcohol poisoning or something._**

**8:30 pm:** enj likes someone. i never thought i’d see the day.

**8:33 pm: _Enj isn’t happy about it, either. The entire notion of dating someone he’s never met, someone who has never actually been confirmed as a real person (direct quote) is horrific to him, but he can’t actually help himself and he’s very confused._**

**8:35 pm:** does he think he’s being catfished?

**8:38 pm: _The thought has definitely occurred to him. Anyways, apparently today’s conversation was too much for him, and he pretended he had a tutorial to lead, and then spent the next hour drinking heavily and rereading all his old conversations with R._**

**8:40 pm:** right. dragons and roller coasters and big gay orgies. that’s fair. 

**8:41 pm:** enj acting like a normal person. i don’t know how to react to this. 

**8:44 pm: _He spent a solid 5 minutes hyperventilating over the fact that R called him babe. It doesn’t help that they’ve only been talking for a few weeks. Enj, as you know, has never actually dated anyone. He’s never even seriously LIKED anyone. So the fact that he has a huge thing for this guy who he has never actually met, and has also only been talking to for like two weeks is freaking him the fuck out. He has no idea what to do. He thinks he’s losing it._**

**8:47 pm:** well, from what you’ve said, he sort of IS losing it. poor guy.

**8:49 pm: _After he spent a couple minutes drunkenly bemoaning the fact that R calls him Enjy and he actually sort of likes it, he went to take a shower. He was a mess. Now he’s taking a walk. I’m not convinced that he won’t walk into a telephone pole while dreaming of cuddling with R and his draconic cat, but he needed the fresh air._**

**8:50 pm:** i’m actually speechless

**8:51 pm:** enjolras, of all people, has a crush on some dude he’s never met, never seen, never actually spoken to beyond a text message. enjolras.

**8:54 pm: _I know. I’m torn between the desire to worry about his mental state and the overwhelming urge to laugh at him hysterically for the next 3 days._**

**8:57 pm:** well, this wasn’t what i was expecting. at all. after this, enj could literally do anything at all and i wouldn’t be surprised. he could drop out of school and join a circus and i would be less surprised than i am right now, and that’s even with knowing how vehemently enj hates circuses. 

**8:59 pm: _I’ll keep you updated. I’m still planning on bringing him to your poetry reading on Friday, he’ll probably need the distraction._**

**9:01 pm:** please do. it’d be lovely to have you there.

**9:03 pm: _Great. We’ll see you then. Enj just walked in by the way, miraculously still in one piece. I’ll talk to you later._**

**9:04 pm:** still speechless. ok. 

**9:05 pm:** don’t let enj drink too much. 

**9:08 pm: _I’ll do my best._**

****

**10:18 pm: bahorel.**

**10:18 pm: bahorel. **

**10:18 pm: bahorel.**

**10:18 pm: bahorel. **

**10:18 pm: bahorel. **

**10:19 pm: bahorel.**

**10:19 pm: bahorel.**

**10:19 pm: bahorel.**

**10:19 pm:** _ courf what the fuck _

**10:20 pm: is r still texting a lot**

**10:20 pm:** _ he’s on his phone constantly. he’s always on his phone. he’s always been always on his phone. there is nothing new about this. _

**10:21 pm: yes but is he texting a lot**

**10:21 pm:** _ how in the name of fuck should i know that  _

**10:22 pm: bc ur a brilliant babe who knows everything**

**10:23 pm:** _ flattery will get you _

**10:23 pm:** _ everywhere _

**10:24 pm:** _ is this about that guy who texted him accidentally a few weeks ago _

**10:25 pm: if by that u mean r’s future husband then yes **

**10:25 pm:** _ we can talk about your matchmaking later i have to go feuilly’s here and he promised to suck my dick if i did better than him at grand theft auto. which i did.  _

**10:26 pm: proud of u son**

**10:26 pm: go be gay. with ur boyfriend who i set u up with.**

**10:27 pm: my matchmaking skills are a+**


	5. Chapter 5

**Wednesday, April 25 th**

**4:19 pm:** u know for someone with such an unusual name u can still make a lot of really great puns with it

**4:30 pm:** _Oh dear._

**4:33 pm:** some of these puns are really enjenious

**4:37 pm:** _That was terrible._

**4:43 pm:** ive been working so hard to enjineer these puns for u and u just dismiss all my hard work

**4:43 pm:** here i was thinking that u were an angelras but it appears that ur actually an enjolass

**4:48 pm:** _I’m deleting your contact information._

**4:52 pm:** u wouldnt

**4:55 pm:** _Just watch me._

**5:00 pm:** ur motoring towards the wrong idea. ur an enjine that needs to be turned off

**5:03 pm:** _That made no sense._

**5:05 pm:** it made perfect sense

**5:06 pm:** _I am banging my head against the table. See what you’ve done to me._

**5:08 pm:** u should bang something else

**5:09 pm:** like ur textbooks. go study, mr dr enjineer perma-student

**5:12 pm:** _I hate you._

**5:14 pm:** u love me

 

**5:17 pm: _image37.jpeg_**

**5:24 pm:** what am i looking at

**5:27 pm: _That is Enjolras, hiding in a corner._**

**5:29 pm:** um. why.

**5:31 pm: _What do you think?_**

**5:35 pm:** hurricane r strikes again?

**5:36 pm: _Bingo._**

**5:39 pm:** im going to make a scrapbook out of this magnificent journey of enj’s. i never want to forget any of this. ever. 

**5:41 pm: _Please give me a copy._**

**5:42 pm:** of course. 

**Thursday, April 26 th **

**3:04 am:** im bored. entertain me pls

**3:06 am:** _Aren’t you at work?_

**3:07 am:** _If you’re the reason that my testicles get served as bar food, I swear to god, you will live the rest of your life in a state of permanent regret and anguish._

**3:09 am:** omg chill ur shit

**3:10 am:** ep is too busy hitting on her customers to notice anything

**3:13 am:** _I never thought of Eponine as the type who would neglect her duties to pursue romance?_

**3:16 am:** do u always talk like an 18th century baron or some shit like that wtf

**3:17 am:** its been a quiet night which is why i demanded entertainment

**3:17 am:** and ep has a weakness for cute drunk girls

**3:18 am:** which is probably the reason she opened a bar

**3:19 am:** her subconscious always knew that she was gay af

**3:20 am:** ahhh fuck a group of drunk college hipsters just stumbled in

**3:20 am:** goodbye sweet peace

**3:24 am:** _Have fun with your hipsters._

**4:34 am:** this group broke a bar record for most craft beers ever ordered in one sitting

**4:35 am:** hipsters. cant live with em, cant live without em

 

**7:05 pm:** would u like to hear a really really really awesome fact

**7:11 pm:** _You’d tell it to me even if I said no_

**7:13 pm:** u know me so well

**7:14 pm:** btw this is the best fact to ever exist

**7:15 pm:** _It better live up to expectation._

**7:15 pm:** oh it will

**7:16 pm:** omg ok so

**7:17 pm:** in the early 1500s when explorers roamed the earth & all that shit there was this italian dude named amerigo vespucci

**7:18 pm:** he basically proved that south & central america were not actually asia, contrary to what columbus (motherfucker that he was) had thought

**7:20 pm:** so vespucci showed the europeans that this was an entirely new landmass & europe was like yay amerigo u go dude we’re gonna name it all after u. they latinized his name to americus vespucius & called them all the americas

**7:21 pm:** the name amerigo is the italian version of the hungarian name emeric, or the german heinrich. & would u like to know what the english version of amerigo/emeric/heinrich is?

**7:22 pm:** henry

**7:22 pm:** america is just a fancy fuckin latin word for henry

**7:23 pm:** _You’re joking._

**7:24 pm:** NOPE

**7:25 pm:** henry: land of the free and home of the brave

**7:26 pm:** _I’ll give you this one. That was actually a pretty great fact._

**7:28 pm:** VICTORY IS MINE

**Friday, April 27 th**

**10:43 am:** happy friday enjy

**11:06 am:** _And the same to you._

**11:12 am:** any big plans for the weekend

**11:16 am:** _I’ll probably spend most of it marking more essays that are frankly insulting to the name of academia._

**11:18 am:** dont stress too hard

**11:19 am:** ull have an aneurysm at 26 & then who will i text at 3am when im bored at work

**11:19 am:** think of the ppl enjy

**11:22 am:** _I always think of the people._

**11:25 am:** good. take a break.

**11:25 am:** have a kitkat

**11:29 am:** _Nerd._

**11:31 am:** right back atcha, doc

 

**4:36 pm: _Hey Enj, one of my profs has invited me to a symposium tonight, and there are some people who will be there who are highly influential in the field. I know that it’s pretty last minute, so would you tell Jehan when you see them that I wish I could have been there, but I know that they’ll be great, and I’ll definitely be at the next one?_**

**4:41 pm:** _Of course, but you could have just texted them your apologies yourself._

**4:44 pm: _That was my way of reminding you that you promised Jehan that you’d go to their poetry reading._**

**4:47 pm:** _Ferre, your faith in me is truly inspiring._

**4:49 pm: _My faith in you is eternal. My faith in your memory for things that aren’t academic is virtually nonexistent._**

**4:51 pm:** _Enjoy your symposium._

**4:55 pm: _I will._**

****

**8:51 pm: hey r make sure ep knows that were all comin to the musain tonight so she doesnt murder me when we get there and take up all her tables **

**9:07 pm:** ill let her know but i make no promises abt your continued existence on this planet

**9:10 pm: fuck**

****

**Saturday, April 28 th **

**12:09 am: _How was your poetry reading?_**

**12:16 am:** it went really well, actually! i’m sorry you couldn’t make it, how was the symposium?

**12:19 am: _I met some very interesting people who had some fascinating perspectives on genetic sequencing, but I still wish I could’ve been there._**

**12:20 am: _I got home, only to find Enj asleep on the couch, clutching his phone to his chest. Did you talk to him about R?_**

**12:25 am:** extensively. he showed me all his conversations with r and we discussed them at length. it’s weird. i’ve never seen him like this. he was exhausted when he left.

**12:28 am: _That explains it._**

**12:31 am:** he’s convinced that r doesn’t like him back, yet every single conversation the two of them have had indicates otherwise.

**12:33 am:** but i think that enj’s hesitance in believing it comes from the fact that he still knows very little about r in reality. on his phone, r is perfect. in reality, he has no idea. 

**12:36 am: _It was probably good for him to talk to you about it, though. I’m afraid I’m no help when it comes to romance._**

**12:38 am:** if it helped him at all, i’m glad. 

**12:39 am: _I guess we’ll know in the morning._**

**12:41 am:** that we will. i’m going to go to bed now too, so we’ll talk later. night, ferre.

**12:44 am: _Goodnight, Jehan._**

****

**7:49 am:** _No 3am texts? I’m shocked._

**11:32 am:** srry abt that i had to buy a new phone charger

**11:39 am:** _What happened to your old one?_

**11:44 am:** nothing happened to it its just at home. where i am not.

**11:47 am:** _So you bought a new one instead of simply going home?_

**11:52 am:** easier said than done

**11:53 am:** home isnt exactly accessible right now

**11:58 am:** _I’m afraid to ask._

**12:14 pm:** its nothing bad

**12:15 pm:** im in montreal

**12:17 pm:** _You’re in Canada?!_

**12:18 pm:** _You never mentioned a trip._

**12:21 pm:** thats bc it wasnt exactly planned

**12:24 pm:** _You took a spontaneous trip to CANADA?!_

**12:25 pm:** _Most people go to Long Island. Not another country._

**12:29 pm:** i lost a bet with courf

**12:31 pm:** _And now you’re in Canada._

**12:34 pm:** & now im in canada

**12:35 pm:** montreal is a lovely city tho. u should come here. very artsy. cultural.

**12:35 pm:** cute french boys. definite plus.

**12:36 pm:** ive always had a thing for cute french boys

**12:41 pm:** _Jesus Christ._

**12:42 pm:** ill be back we found a croissant store

 

**1:17 pm:** im marrying these croissants

**1:25 pm:** _Is that legal in Canada?_

**1:27 pm:** i dont even care tbh i would have these croissants children without a second thought

**1:30 pm:** _I’m not sure how that would work in terms of biology_

**1:33 pm:** ill find a way these croissants are worth it

**1:34 pm:** i may never leave this store

**1:36 pm:** ENJOLRAS HI

**1:39 pm:** _Are you high on croissants? Is that even possible?_

**1:41 pm:** NO MY NAME IS COURF IT IS LOVELY TO MEET U

**1:45 pm:** _You’re the one who brought R into my life, and subsequently ruined any sleep schedule I may have had._

**1:47 pm:** GUILTY AS CHARGED

**1:51 pm:** _It’s lovely to meet you. Well, text you. Talk to you? I’m not sure what the proper terminology is._

**1:54 pm:** SAME HERE

**1:58 pm:** _Where did R go, exactly?_

**2:03 pm:** HE HAS BEEN TRYING 2 GET HIS PHONE BACK FROM ME FOR 20 MINS AND HAS FAILED MISERABLY

**2:04 pm:** U SEE,,, HE IS VERY SMALL. VERY ANGRY BUT VERY SMALL.

**2:06 pm:** _He may have mentioned that._

**2:13 pm:** courf is dead. tell no one.

**2:16 pm:** _I’ll plead the fifth._

**2:19 pm:** good plan

 

**8:46 pm:** _Still enjoying Montreal?_

**9:02 pm:** omg yes

**9:03 pm:** 10/10. 12/10. highly recommend it.

**11:26 pm:** poutine is the best drunk food. better than pizza. these canadians know whats up.

**11:31 pm:** _I’ve never liked poutine._

**11:35 pm:** i didnt either until i tried it here

**11:36 pm:** american poutine is not real poutine

**11:37 pm:** someday i will take u to montreal for real poutine ok

**11:39 pm:** it is delicious. i fuckin love canada man they have so much weird good shit goin on. canada is like the nicer liberal sibling of the states with less shitty politics & no republicans

**11:40 pm:** why do we mock canadians so much

**11:41 pm:** i feel kinda mean now

**11:45 pm:** _You drank the Kool-Aid, huh?_

**11:52 pm:** yes. it was maple flavored.

 

**Sunday, April 29 th **

**6:17 am:** ok enjy if u ever find urself in another country for 36 hrs i would highly recommend sleeping at some point bc that would make everything easier

**8:14 am:** _Noted._

**10:17 am:** good. im going to go back to using courf as a human pillow now.

**10:24 am:** _Sleep well._

**11:40 am:** _Hey, Jehan?_

**11:46 am:** what’s up?

**11:49 am:** _It’s kind of a long story, but R spent the weekend in Montreal. He mentioned having a thing for cute French boys. I realize of course that he wasn’t talking about me because he doesn’t know what I look like and also I’m not really French, my parents are but I was born here and I think in English now so I don’t really count, and he wasn’t talking about me, right?_

**11:53 am:** oh my god.

**11:54 am:** i’ll be over in half an hour with muffins and coffee.

**11:56 am:** _You’re a good friend, Jehan._


	6. Chapter 6

**Monday, April 30 th **

 

**3:12 pm: R. GET OVER HERE NOW.**

**3:17 pm:** courf u need to learn how to chill

**3:19 pm: THIS IS ACTUALLY IMPORTANT THO**

**3:21 pm:** im at work

**3:22 pm: UR ENTITLED TO A BREAK. LEGALLY ENTITLED. TAKE IT. **

**3:23 pm: BESIDES EP IS GONNA WANNA HEAR ABOUT THIS TOO**

**3:26 pm:** do u wanna tell me what this is abt

**3:28 pm: UR ONE TRUE LOVE THATS WHAT**

**3:28 pm: I FOUND HIM**

**3:29 pm:** wait what

**3:30 pm: FUCK IT IM COMING 2 U ILL BE AT THE MUSAIN IN 15**

 

**3:49 pm: HEY EPONINE**

**3:49 pm: PICK UP UR DAMN PHONE**

**3:50 pm: U NEED 2 COME DOWNSTAIRS TO UR BAR NOW**

**3:50 pm: ITS V IMPORTANT**

**3:50 pm: EPONINE**

**3:51 pm: EPO9 **

**3:51 pm: GOD DAMMIT**

 

**3:52 pm: BAHOREL**

**3:53 pm: TELL EPONINE TO GET HER ASS DOWNSTAIRS TO HER BAR ASAP**

**3:55 pm:** _ why _

**3:56 pm: ITS ABT R'S PHONE BF**

**3:56 pm: THIS IS AN E M E R G E N C Y**

**3:57 pm: U SHOULD COME DOWN HERE 2 **

**3:59 pm:** _ Courf, if you want me to come downstairs, you better have a damn good reason.  _

**4:00 pm: I FOUND ENJOLRAS. ONLINE. E M E R G E N C Y. **

**4:00 pm: ALSO COULD U USE UR OWN PHONE FOR ONCE**

**4:00 pm: U DO ACTUALLY HAVE ONE, CONTRARY TO PUBLIC OPINION**

**4:01 pm: U COULD USE IT. THATD BE NICE. **

**4:02 pm:** _ as someone who frequently has his phone stolen by ep, im inclined to agree _

**4:03 pm: SEE?**

**4:04 pm:** _ Screw you both.  _

**4:04 pm:** _ I'll be down in a minute.  _

 

**4:41 pm:** u asshole

**4:45 pm:** _Excuse me?_

**4:47 pm:** u heard me

**4:49 pm:** _What have I done this time?_

**4:50 pm:** U LIED TO ME

**4:52 pm:** _About?_

**4:53 pm:** EVERYTHING

**4:53 pm:** UR GORGEOUS. A GORGEOUS LIAR.

**4:54 pm:** ENJOLRAS MORE LIKE ANGELASS

**4:55 pm:** BC I THOUGHT U WERE AN ANGEL & U ALSO LOOK LIKE ONE BUT ALSO UR AN ASSHOLE BC U DIDNT TELL ME HOW HOT U WERE ALSO U LOOK LIKE U ALSO HAVE THE ASS OF AN ANGEL SO

**4:58 pm:** _I have no idea what to say to any of this._

**4:58 pm:** _I_

**4:58 pm:** _What_

**4:59 pm:** I JUST

**4:59 pm:** FUCK

**5:00 pm:** FUCK DUDE

**5:00 pm:** U LOOK LIKE A FUCKIN PAINTING OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT

**5:01 pm:** I DIDNT KNOW PPL ACTUALLY LOOKED LIKE THAT

**5:01 pm:** GOD

**5:01 pm:** WHAT THE FUCK

**5:04 pm:** _How did you find me?_

**5:08 pm:** BELIEVE IT OR NOT THERE ARE NOT A LOT OF PPL NAMED ENJOLRAS ON THIS EARTH

 

**5:38 pm:** enjy?

**5:40 pm:** _Hi. I'm Combeferre, Enj's roommate. He's currently in the fetal position in the corner, and thus unable to type. I've never seen him blush quite this hard._

**5:42 pm:** oops. did we embarrass him?

**5:43 pm:** _That's putting it mildly._

**5:44 pm:** id apologize but im still in shock

**5:45 pm:** also can u pls tell enj that im sorry

**5:45 pm:** that wasnt actually me

**5:46 pm:** i mean i was def freaked out abt how pretty he is

**5:47 pm:** but courf was typing

**5:47 pm:** & he sorta put it in his own words

**5:48 pm:** he can be a tad exuberant at times

**5:50 pm:** _Understatement of the century._

**5:53 pm:** if it helps, once we were confused as to why enjy stopped replying, ep stole my phone from courf, read his messages & then yelled at him for half an hour

**5:55 pm:** _Enj snorted when I read him that message._

**5:57 pm:** ep does have a reputation. shes proud of it too

**5:58 pm:** _I can imagine._

**6:01 pm:** _I’m going to turn Enj’s phone off now. I’ve ordered Thai food, and we’re about to watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show. His two favorite distractions._

**6:03 pm:** enjoy. apologize to him again for me. also, rocky horror is a classic and u both have excellent taste.

**6:06 pm:** _Will do._

**Tuesday, May 1 st **

**11:15 am:** have i apologized again for my idiot friends behavior

**11:21 am:** _Don’t worry about it._

**11:24 am:** from what combeferre said, u were the color of a tomato & in the fetal position

**11:25 am:** if that doesnt warrant an apology, nothing does

**11:28 am:** _That is an excellent point._

**11:29 am:** _On the other hand, Ferre bought me Thai food, and it also gave us an excuse to watch Rocky Horror._

**11:29 am:** _So it all turned out okay._

**11:31 am:** i am very happy to hear that

**11:32 am:** if u hadnt accepted my apology i wouldve been forced to send a fully armed battalion to remind u of my love

**11:37 am:** _You like Hamilton?_

**11:40 am:** lin-manuel miranda is only my hero & the most beautiful person to ever walk the earth

**11:46 am:** _FERRE HELP ME_

**11:47 am: _Enjolras? What’s wrong?_**

**11:48 am:** _HE LIKES HAMILTON. HE QUOTED HAMILTON AT ME._

**11:50 am: _Christ._**

**11:51 am: _Hang on, aren’t you in class right now?_**

**11:55 am:** _YES AND I THINK THAT I AM HYPERVENTILATING_

**11:57 am:** _DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO HIDE HYPERVENTILATION AND AN IPHONE WHEN YOU’RE IN A GRAD SEMINAR WITH ONLY 4 OTHER PEOPLE_

**11:58 am:** _PRETTY FUCKING DIFFICULT, LET ME TELL YOU._

**12:01 pm: _Go to the bathroom. Hyperventilate in peace._**

**12:01 pm:** _GOOD PLAN._

**12:06 pm:** _I AM IN BATHROOM. SCARED 2 FRESHMAN OUT. IT WAS FUN. STILL HYPERVENTILATING THOUGH._

**12:07 pm: _Head between your knees. Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out._**

**12:11 pm:** _That helped. Thank you._

**12:13 pm: _Of course._**

**12:14 pm:** _I’m going to go back to class now._

**12:15 pm:** _I feel ridiculous. He’s just a guy._

**12:16 pm:** _A guy who likes Hamilton. And knows all sorts of weird bizarre facts about, well, everything. And always cheers me up. And likes French boys. And knows how to mock me without actually upsetting me. And thinks I’m attractive._

**12:17 pm:** _Fuck._

**12:18 pm:** _I’m going back to the bathroom._

**4:54 pm:** enj?

**4:59 pm:** _Hey! Sorry. I was in a seminar. Only 5 people in the class. Hard to text._

**5:02 pm:** oh god id forgotten how frustrating seminars could be

**5:03 pm:** cant text or eat or listen to music or anything that makes life interesting

**5:04 pm:** just u and ur prof and ur 2 classmates

**5:04 pm:** ugh

**5:07 pm:** _I’ve been meaning to ask, where did you go to school? If that’s not too invasive._

**5:10 pm:** enjolras. yesterday my friend texted u & told u that u looked like a painting or an angel & u ended up in the fetal position in the corner. after that literally nothing u say could be considered invasive

**5:12 pm:** _I suppose that’s fair._

**5:15 pm:** yeah.

**5:22 pm:** uh have u heard of risd

**5:25 pm:** _The Rhode Island School of Design?_

**5:27 pm:** yeah

**5:30 pm:** _Of course. It’s one of the best art schools in the country._

**5:32 pm:** thats what they say, yeah

**5:36 pm:** _Wait, you went to RISD?_

**5:39 pm:** yup

**5:40 pm:** _Oh my god, R._

**5:44 pm:** what

**5:48 pm:** _Of course you went to RISD._

**5:53 pm:** whats that supposed to mean

**5:57 pm:** _I don’t know, you always act so… Well, you have a tendency towards self-deprecation._

**6:02 pm:** do i

**6:05 pm:** _Unfortunately, yes._

**6:06 pm:** _Trust you to have gone to one of the best art schools in the country._

**6:09 pm:** yeah well u probably went to harvard or something so

**6:13 pm:** _Harvard? Never._

**6:18 pm:** oh sorry, i meant yale

**6:20 pm:** _Hysterical._

**6:21 pm:** _Uh, no, I went to Princeton. And then I did my master’s at Dartmouth._

**6:25 pm:** fucking hell of course u did

**6:26 pm:** everything u do screams ivy league

**6:28 pm:** are u doing ur phd at harvard tho

**6:31 pm:** _No. No Harvard._

**6:36 pm:** well considering that u did ur first two degrees at ivy leagues ill assume that ur phd is also being done at one

**6:37 pm:** jesus ur like the poster child for perfection

**6:42 pm:** _Hardly._

**6:45 pm:** really? dude. princeton. dartmouth. u have perfect grammar. u look like a fuckin greek god. ur literally doing ur phd right now. yeah, u may stress about things too much & also talk like ur a septuagenarian but those are hardly downsides

**6:50 pm:** _I’m well aware of my privilege._

**6:54 pm:** im not saying that u dont appreciate what u have dude

**6:55 pm:** im just saying that ur a lucky guy & its really hard to hate u for it bc ur such a good person

**7:11 pm:** ur blushing arent u

**7:14 pm:** _Go away._

 

**11:03 pm: enjolras?**

**11:10 pm:** _I’m sorry, I don’t know who this is._

**11:13 pm: its courfeyrac. courf. weve talked. uh. through r.**

**11:15 pm:** _Hello, Courfeyrac._

**11:17 pm: um. hi.**

**11:18 pm: i want to apologize for what i said to u yesterday**

**11:18 pm: i went overboard. i made u uncomfortable. that wasnt my intention, and im really sorry.**

**11:22 pm:** _I appreciate the apology, but it was hardly necessary. Being angry over a compliment, however aggressively it may have been given, is kind of a douchey thing to do._

**11:24 pm: that is an excellent point but i still feel bad**

**11:27 pm:** _Please don’t. Really._

**11:29 pm: if u say so**

**11:34 pm:** _I do._

**11:38 pm: ok.**

**11:41 pm: im glad u said that. bc i think that ur really really good for r & even tho uve only known him for like 2 weeks or whatever it is u make him happy & i want us to be friends bc it would make him happy & honestly all i want in life is for r to be happy**

**11:46 pm:** _It seems that our goals align, then._

**11:49 pm: it seems they do**

**11:50 pm: so, friends?**

**11:52 pm:** _Friends._

**11:53 pm: excellent!!!**

**11:55 pm:** _One thing._

**11:56 pm: yeah?**

**11:58 pm:** _Please don’t call me Angelass. I’m not a fan of that name._

**11:59 pm: HA. deal. **


	7. Chapter 7

**Wednesday, May 2 nd**

**1:21 pm:** hey eponine how much cat food do we have

**1:26 pm:** ep i know ur home so pick up ur goddamn phone

**1:34 pm:** oh for fucks sake

 

**1:36 pm:** bahorel im sorry to do this to u but ep isnt texting me back

**1:39 pm:** _ oh my fucking god  _

**1:42 pm:** _ Is there a reason Bahorel just walked into my room and threw his phone at my face? _

**1:44 pm:** eponine. u literally have a phone. its always beside ur bed. u could, u know, use it.

**1:45 pm:** anyways do we have enough cat food

**1:47 pm:** _ It was on the grocery list. If it was on the grocery list, there’s a good chance I bought it, seeing as, you know, that is the entire point of a grocery list.  _

**1:48 pm:** ur sass is not welcome here

**1:49 pm:** but thank u

 

**2:56 pm:** image409.jpeg

**3:01 pm:** _Is there a reason you sent me a picture of two kittens? I mean, they’re certainly adorable, but was there a purpose to it?_

**3:04 pm:** meet vacuum and tuesday

**3:07 pm:** _Hang on, since when do you have 3 cats?_

**3:10 pm:** since about 2 hours ago

**3:11 pm:** i found them outside my house & they looked hungry

**3:16 pm:** _So you just took them?_

**3:19 pm:** i consider it to be more of a surprise adoption

**3:22 pm:** _Are you sure they don’t belong to someone?_

**3:27 pm:** can u really be sure of anything in this life

**3:29 pm:** enjy what are the chances of 2 tiny kittens who are most definitely siblings being together in a box outside my house entirely by coincidence

**3:30 pm:** they were abandoned. & now they are mine.

**3:33 pm:** _Well, if you’re sure. At least they’re going to a good home._

**3:38 pm:** theyre going to a GREAT home

**3:39 pm:** ep decided to open the bar later today so we could take them to the vet & make sure theyre healthy

**3:44 pm:** _Eponine has a weakness for kittens? That is surprising. And kind of hilarious._

**3:49 pm:** Hi, Enjolras. What were you saying about my purported weakness? Is there something funny about saving two helpless kittens from a hard life on the streets of New York City?

**3:51 pm:** _Nope. It’s actually rather noble of you._

**3:53 pm:** That’s what I thought.

**3:56 pm:** its kind of pathetic how quickly u folded

**4:00 pm:** _Eponine is terrifying._

**4:03 pm:** she says ‘damn right’

**4:08 pm:** _Can I ask why you named them Vacuum and Tuesday?_

**4:12 pm:** excellent question. bahorel named vacuum. idk why. he doesnt look like a vacuum. its a great name tho. eponine named tuesday bc she says its a better name than wednesday.

**4:13 pm:** It is a better name than Wednesday.

**4:14 pm:** anyways. vet said that q is a boy & t is a girl & both are healthy & also 3 months old

**4:19 pm:** _I’m glad they’re healthy. I am surprised, however, that you let Bahorel and Eponine name them. You seem like the kind of person who would insist on naming them yourself._

**4:26 pm:** bahorel & eponine would only let me keep them if they could name them

**4:27 pm:** they ganged up on me. it was extremely rude.

**4:29 pm:** anyways now ep & i actually have to work so ill talk to u later

**4:33 pm:** _Talk to you later._

**8:09 pm:** _R. HOW DO YOU KNOW BAHOREL?_

**8:17 pm:** hes my roommate. u know that.

**8:20 pm:** _Yes, but HOW do you know him?_

**8:29 pm:** uhhh i think i met him at a bar

**8:30 pm:** ive known him for years. why??

**8:34 pm:** _Combeferre just showed me his instagram. A picture of him with two tiny kittens._

**8:41 pm:** ok?? i mean im kinda shocked hes following him but if he wants to he totally can

**8:43 pm:** _You don’t understand. We KNOW Bahorel. Ferre’s been following Bahorel on instagram for years. We met him through our friend Jehan, at a poetry reading._

**8:45 pm:** what

**8:48 pm:** _I didn’t realize that it was the same Bahorel until now._

**8:50 pm:** u. didnt realize it was the same bahorel.

**8:51 pm:** HOW MANY BAHORELS DO U THINK THERE ARE ON EARTH

**8:52 pm:** U ARE PROBABLY THE ONLY TWO PPL ON THIS EARTH WHO ARE FRIENDS NAMED ENJOLRAS & BAHOREL. & U NEVER FUCKIN REALIZED

**8:55 pm:** _Yeah, about that. Earlier Eponine said something about the streets of New York City. Do you live in New York?_

**8:57 pm:** uh yeah dude ive definitely mentioned that before

**8:59 pm:** _No, I don’t think you have._

**9:03 pm:** yes. yes i have. when we first started talking i mentioned serving alcohol to the entirety of bushwicks artist population.

**9:07 pm:** _I didn’t realize it was the same Bushwick._

**9:10 pm:** u didnt realize it was the same bushwick.

**9:11 pm:** ENJOLRAS WHAT THE FUCK

**9:11 pm:** HOW MANY ARTSY BUSHWICKS DO U KNOW

**9:12 pm:** NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT MY PHONE NUMBER HAS A NEW YORK AREA CODE???????

**9:13 pm:** UR DOING UR FUCKING PHD. HOW ARE U THIS FUCKING OBLIVIOUS OH MY GOD

**9:17 pm:** _Combeferre won’t stop laughing at me._

**9:20 pm:** cant say i blame him tbh

**9:21 pm:** ur fucking ridiculous holy fuck

**9:21 pm:** ill be back. i need alcohol for this.

**11:07 pm:** Hi, Enjolras, it’s Eponine.

**11:12 pm:** _Uh, hi Eponine. Have I done something wrong?_

**11:14 pm:** Not yet. But no, that’s not why I’m here.

**11:15 pm:** _Uh. Ok._

**11:15 pm:** _Wait, is R ok?_

**11:17 pm:** In a manner of speaking, yes.

**11:18 pm:** You see, after today, R needed a drink. So we turned it into a game. Using your text messages.

**11:20 pm:** _I’m confused._

**11:23 pm:** We turned your conversations with R into a drinking game.

**11:24 pm:** And now he’s too drunk to text. So I’ve taken over.

**11:26 pm:** _Oh god._

**11:29 pm:** In his defense, we came up with the rules of the game before going through your texts. It just turns out that you are far more oblivious than we gave you credit for.

**11:30 pm:** _I’m not entirely sure that I want to know the rules of this game._

**11:31 pm:** Doesn’t matter, I’m going to tell them to you anyways.

**11:36 pm:** Whenever Enjolras rants about undergrads, take a shot. Whenever Enjolras is confused, take a shot. Whenever Enjolras pretends to be annoyed with R, take a shot. Whenever Enjolras misses the obvious, take a shot. Whenever Enjolras tries to reason with R, take a shot.

**11:38 pm:** _Fuck._

**11:39 pm:** Exactly.

**11:40 pm:** I’m honestly surprised that R is still conscious.

**11:42 pm:** _Please don’t let him die of alcohol poisoning._

**11:43 pm:** I won’t.

**11:45 pm:** _Is R the only one playing?_

**11:46 pm:** No, all our friends are here. After a while, everyone in the bar was playing along too.

**11:47 pm:** It’s an excellent drinking game. I think we’ll probably play again.

**11:49 pm:** _What about you? You’re not playing?_

**11:50 pm:** No, I’m playing.

**11:52 pm:** _Have you taken every single shot?_

**11:55 pm:** Of course. To do otherwise would entirely defeat the purpose.

**11:56 pm:** _And you’re the only sober one?_

**11:58 pm:** I’m pretty sure I’ve already answered this.

**12:00 am:** _I. What._

**12:01 am:** _You know, I’m not even going to ask._

**12:03 am:** Probably a good idea.

**12:04 am:** You might want to stop asking questions. You’re just adding to the game.

**12:06 am:** _Oh. Fuck._

**12:07 am:** _Ok. I’m going to go do something else now. Please don’t let anyone get hurt._

**12:08 am:** Of course.

 

**Thursday, May 3 rd**

**11:04 am:** this is the worst hangover ive had since college & its all ur fault

**11:15 am:** _Excuse me, I didn’t TELL you to turn my texts into a drinking game._

**11:16 am:** shut up im too sick for ur logic

**11:18 am:** im going to go drown my sorrows in coffee ill be back

 

**2:26 pm: _Bahorel?_**

**2:31 pm:** _ combeferre! dude! it’s good to hear from u. how are things?  _

**2:33 pm: _Great, thanks. I was wondering if you know what happened last night._**

**2:36 pm:** _ with r? u mean the drinking game based on enj’s texts? _

**2:37 pm: _I’ll take that as a yes._**

**2:40 pm:** _ yeah dude, it was a blast.  _

**2:41 pm: _Did you know that Enj was the one who was texting R?_**

**2:44 pm:** _ of course. the second he said that he was texting some guy named enjolras, i assumed it was the same guy. there aren’t exactly a lot of people with that name in the world, let alone nyc. _

**2:47 pm: _And you never thought to mention it to anyone?_**

**2:51 pm:** _ nah, i thought it’d be more fun to watch the shit hit the fan when everyone realized. and it was. last night was hilarious.  _

**2:54 pm: _Bahorel, you are truly a gift to humanity._**

**2:56 pm:** _ thanks dude _

**2:57 pm:** _ u should come by the musain soon! it’d be great to see u and enj again. also, r and enj really should meet in person at some point. _

**3:00 pm: _I wholly agree. I’ll have to work on Enj a bit to make him agree, but I think I can get there eventually._**

**3:02 pm:** _ great! let me know.  _

**3:05 pm: _Of course._**

**3:07 pm:** _ it was good to hear from you, man. can’t wait.  _

**3:08 pm: _Likewise._**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thursday, May 3 rd**

**9:14 pm:** wait

**9:15 pm:** if u live in nyc im presuming u go to columbia

**9:24 pm:** _Why not NYU?_

**9:28 pm:** ur not the type. ur not hipster enough.

**9:31 pm:** _Excuse you, I could totally be hipster enough._

**9:33 pm:** that wasnt an insult but ok enjy ill indulge u this time. how are u hipster enough for nyu?

**9:36 pm:** _I own a record player._

**9:40 pm:** ok and

**9:42 pm:** _Is that not good enough?_

**9:45 pm:** my grandfather owns a record player. he frequents independent coffee shops & bookstores. is my grandfather a hipster?

**9:48 pm:** _I’ve never met your grandfather._

**9:54 pm:** enjy darling, ur so not a hipster

**9:56 pm:** ur an old academic nerd. u may love to talk pretentious philosophy & whatnot but ur more 60 yr old prof drinking scotch & swearing under his breath while wearing plaid bc its the only thing that was clean in ur apartment. thats extremely different from hipsters.

**9:57 pm:** _I have hipster glasses._

**9:59 pm:** what, the square black ones? so does my grandfather. so does the owner of my local bodega. both of whom are over 65.

**10:00 pm:** dude do u wanna be a hipster

**10:01 pm:** bc if u do then for ur birthday ill give u a box of crayons that u can use as candles & a bedpan that u can use as a sock drawer

**10:03 pm:** _I will happily accept the crayons. You can keep the bedpan._

**10:06 pm:** sure. vacuum & tuesday can use it as a bed.

**10:07 pm:** ladon is unwilling to share his. cranky dragon cat is living up to his name

**10:10 pm:** _Your poor cats._

**10:14 pm:** i wouldve washed it first. im not subjecting my kitties to that.

**10:19 pm:** _Would you have washed it for me?_

**10:22 pm:** nah that wouldve ruined the authenticity of the bedpan

**10:23 pm:** hipsters are all about authenticity, cmon enjy

**10:27 pm:** _That’s disgusting._

**10:30 pm:** i dont think ur socks wouldve cared

**10:30 pm:** anyways ill talk to u later

**10:31 pm:** ep is making me do the dishes from last night. i didnt even know we had that many shot glasses.

**10:34 pm:** _Have fun._

**Friday, May 4 th**

**10:41 am:** _I DON’T BELIEVE THIS._

**10:42 am:** _THEY’RE RAISING TUITION COSTS AGAIN. THEY’RE ALREADY ASTRONOMICAL, AND IT’S JUST MAKING IT MORE DIFFICULT FOR STUDENTS TO PAY OFF THEIR LOANS._

**10:43 am:** _IT’S ALREADY ONE OF THE RICHEST FUCKING SCHOOLS IN THE COUNTRY, WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING THIS_

**10:45 am:** _THIS ONLY IMPACTS KIDS WHO ALREADY ARE DISADVANTAGED AND DON’T HAVE RICH PARENTS PAYING FOR THEIR SCHOOLING AND THIS IS JUST DOING MORE TO INCREASE THE WEALTH GAP. COMPARED TO OTHER COUNTRIES AROUND THE WORLD WE ALREADY PAY AN OBSCENE AMOUNT, WHY DOES IT NEED TO BE MORE? THEY HARDLY NEED THE MONEY, UNLIKE THE STUDENTS IN ATTENDENCE, WHO ALSO HAVE TO PAY LIVING COSTS._

**10:50 am:** whoa enjy, take a deep breath.

**10:51 am:** that fuckin sucks. but thats the world we live in. americas all about profit, u know that. corporate culture.

**10:56 am:** _NO. I’M NOT GOING TO STAND FOR THIS. THEY CAN’T DO THIS._

**10:58 am:** actually they can, & they will. every school is raising tuition. its the thing to do.

**11:01 am:** _NO. SCREW THAT. FUCK THEM._

**11:02 am:** _I’M NOT GOING TO AGREE TO THIS._

**11:03 am:** dude i know ur angry but thats not gonna do anything. u dont have to agree, theyll do it anyways

**11:18 am:** enjy?

**12:37 pm:** enjolras?

**1:04 pm:** what the fuck are u doing

**2:41 pm:** this cant possibly end well

**3:46 pm:** god fucking dammit

 

**10:17 pm:** _R?_

**10:19 pm:** oh thank fuck

**10:20 pm:** i thought ud gone & gotten urself killed while protesting

**10:21 pm:** _Actually, this is Combeferre._

**10:22 pm:** oh fuck what did he do

**10:24 pm:** _I’m not entirely sure how to phrase this._

**10:27 pm:**???????????????????????????????????????

**10:28 pm:** _He got arrested._

**10:29 pm:** WHAT

**10:31 pm:** _Enj started a protest. It was peaceful enough for the first few hours, but then the administration tried to shut it down, and, well, Enj was pissed, to say the least._

**10:33 pm:** oh. my. god.

**10:33 pm:** please tell me he didnt kill anyone

**10:35 pm:** _Er, not quite._

**10:36 pm:** NOT QUITE

**10:37 pm:** jesus fucking christ enjolras

**10:38 pm:** _He punched the provost in the face._

**10:39 pm:** im speechless

**10:40 pm:** pls tell me he didn’t get expelled

**10:43 pm:** _I honestly have no clue what’s going to happen to him. The provost has a broken nose. The police came. Enj is now in a holding cell, and I’m just waiting for his bail to go through._

**10:44 pm:** fuck

**10:45 pm:** _Pretty much._

**10:48 pm:** _Oh, the officer who’s dealing with Enj’s case is coming out. I’ll keep you updated._

**10:49 pm:** thank u

 

**10:55 pm:** _ dude, are u ok? u look pale. _

**10:57 pm:** come over here & ill explain it to u

**10:58 pm:** _ i didnt wanna move tho, that’s why i texted u in the first place _

**10:59 pm:** enjolras got arrested

**10:59 pm:** _ i’ll be right there _

__

**11:33 pm:** _R?_

**11:34 pm:** combeferre?

**11:35 pm:** _No, it’s Enjolras._

**11:36 pm:** ur an idiot

**11:38 pm:** _Someone had to tell them that what they were doing was wrong. At least now people are talking about._

**11:39 pm:** enjolras, u punched one of the most influential members of the administration there is in the face. & then got arrested.

**11:40 pm:** _I’ve already gotten a lecture from Ferre, I don’t need one from you too._

**11:41 pm:** just please think about what ur doing.

**11:42 pm:** _I always do._

**11:44 pm:** fine. maybe think about punching ppl & decide whether or not its worth it before doing it instead?

**11:45 pm:** _He deserved it. Asshole._

**11:46 pm:** fair enough.

**11:47 pm:** for what its worth, im proud of u. u may have gotten arrested, but it happened bc u were protesting something u thought was wrong. & thats a courageous thing to do.

**11:50 pm:** _Thank you, R._

**11:51 pm:** _I’ll talk to you tomorrow, I have to call my lawyer now._

**11:52 pm:** understandable. night, jailbird.

 

**Saturday, May 5 th **

**12:17 am:** EVERYONE. IT’S EPONINE. COME TO THE MUSAIN. WE’RE HAVING AN ‘R’S BOYFRIEND GOT OUT OF JAIL’ PARTY NOW

**12:18 am:** PLEASE WEAR BLACK AND WHITE. OR ORANGE. THIS IS A THEMED PARTY, MOTHERFUCKERS.

 

**4:19 am:** heyyyyy coirf

**4:20 am:** iiim gkad rnjy priyywstrd but i diny eant hi, to gp ti jeil

**4:26 am: wat**

**4:30 am:** i loke dst assjole & o wNNa krrp txying him

**4:32 am:** i donnyy tthnink hr coulf texy me fr9m jesil

**4:57 am: TECT L8E DOOOOOOOD THS SIZZ   A PSSSSSSFTYU**

**12:09 pm:** why the fuck did we do that again

**12:10 pm:** id literally just gotten over the last hangover. why did i give myself another one.

**12:17 pm: why the fuck did we have a rave to celebrate the fact that ur bf went to fuckin jail**

**12:20 pm:** well he only got arrested

**12:21 pm:** wait could he actually srsly go to jail for this

**12:21 pm:** god dammit he cant

**12:22 pm:** also hes not my boyfriend

**12:26 pm: dunno dude. **

**12:28 pm: id tell u to blame eponine bc it was her idea 2 have a party but im 2 scared of her 2 blame her for anything**

**12:29 pm:** fair enough

**12:30 pm: also im in corporate law homedog not criminal**

**12:31 pm: idk shit about criminal law**

**12:31 pm: this is probs a conversation u shld have with enjolras**

**12:35 pm:** do u think if i go back to sleep, my hangover & enj’s criminal record will both be gone when i wake up

**12:37 pm: would me saying yes help in any way shape or form**

**12:38 pm:** no

**12:40 pm: then no i dont think that going back 2 sleep will solve any of ur problems but if u wanna avoid the world for a while then u may as well**

**12:43 pm:** ugh

**1:43 pm:** _Bahorel’s instagram indicates that you had a prison themed party at Eponine’s bar last night?_

**1:48 pm:** ah fuck

**1:49 pm:** id forgotten ferre followed him

**1:53 pm:** _A prison themed party? Really?_

**1:55 pm:** blame eponine

**1:59 pm:** _No thank you. She scares me. I’m going to blame you instead._

**2:03 pm:** ah fuck

**2:04 pm:** id say it was an accident but

**2:08 pm:** _Mhm._

**2:10 pm:** howd it go with the lawyer

**2:15 pm:** _Well. It basically depends on whether or not the provost is going to press charges._

**2:17 pm:** ferre said that u broke his nose

**2:19 pm.** _Yes I did._

**2:21 pm:** do i detect a note of pride there

**2:24 pm:** _Perhaps._

**2:25 pm:** ur ridiculous

**2:27 pm:** _Says the one who threw a party to celebrate the fact that I got arrested?_

**2:28 pm:** ok no

**2:29 pm:** i needed a drink to deal with the unbelievable mess that was today

**2:33 pm:** & then ep & bahorel & i were all drunk & then our friends joly & bossuet & musichetta came in & starting drinking too & then ep stole my phone & texted everyone else & told them to come & then randomly added the whole themed outfit thing & then suddenly there were random ppl off the street who heard about the prison theme & wanted to join in & suddenly there were 200 ppl there all of whom were dressed like we were in an episode of orange is the new black

**2:34 pm:** it was an accidental party. that is a different thing.

**2:37 pm:** _Oh, of course. How silly of me to forget._

**2:41 pm:** also u literally got arrested. u cant blame me for turning to alcohol in my moment of need.

**2:45 pm:** _I am worried for your liver._

**2:47 pm:** my liver is fine. my liver doesnt have a criminal record.

**2:49 pm:** _I’m still not sure whether or not he’s pressing charges._

**2:51 pm:** my liver doesnt have a mug shot

**2:54 pm:** _…I’ll give you that one._

**2:55 pm:** thank u

**2:56 pm:** keep me updated on the legal situation ok

**2:59 pm:** _I will._

**3:03 pm:** great. now i need to go clean the bar. some shitwagon threw up all over it & apparently since the party was my fault (which it wasnt but eponine is a shit) im the one who has to clean it up

**3:06 pm:** _It sort of was your fault, though._

**3:08 pm:** it only happened bc u went & got urself arrested

**3:09 pm:** _But that only happened because of a severe injustice._

**3:10 pm:** in that case we shall blame capitalism for the fact that im cleaning up someone elses vomit

**3:12 pm:** _I am okay with that._

**3:13 pm:** fuckin capitalism

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Saturday, May 5 th **

**7:05 pm: _Can you pick up some milk on the way home?_**

**7:09 pm:** _Will do._

**7:12 pm: _How was your meeting with Lamarque?_**

**7:17 pm:** _Informative._

**7:18 pm:** _He doesn’t think I’ll be charged, considering the public’s outcry about the hike in tuition fees after the protest, but I might be sued for damages._

**7:20 pm: _Huh. Well, at least you probably won’t have a criminal record, which, considering that you broke Javert’s NOSE, is actually kind of a miracle._**

**7:21 pm:** _Yeah, yeah, I know._

**7:22 pm:** _I’ll be home in 20._

**7:26 pm: _Ok, we’ll continue this conversation then. Don’t forget about the milk._**

****

**11:41 pm:** _Jehan._

**11:42 pm:** _Can you come over?_

**11:45 pm:** why, what’s up?

**11:47 pm:** _I need someone to tell me that I haven’t completely fucked everything up._

**11:48 pm:** is ferre not home?

**11:51 pm:** _No, he is. But I need him to be my rational ‘you probably shouldn’t do something like this ever again’ friend. I need you to tell me that it’s going to be ok._

**11:55 pm:** ok. i’m at open mic night at the corinth, so it’ll take me a while to get to your place, but i’m leaving now

**11:57 pm:** _Oh. I don’t want to interrupt your evening._

**12:01 am:** don’t worry about it, enj. i’m already on my way. 

**12:02 am:** your sanity is far more important to me than another acoustic cover of an arctic monkeys song

**12:04 am:** _Thank you, Jehan._

**12:07 am:** no need to thank me. i’ll be there in half an hour.

**Sunday, May 6 th **

**2:44 pm:** _He isn’t pressing charges._

**2:45 pm:** THANK GOD

**2:47 pm:** _I’m still not sure whether or not I’ll be expelled, but at least I won’t have an actual criminal record._

**2:50 pm:** is he gonna sue u

**2:53 pm:** _I hope not._

**2:54 pm:** _I have a meeting with his office on Tuesday._

**2:55 pm:** is that when u find out whether or not u get to stay at school

**2:57 pm:** _I’m not sure. It’s likely that they’ll take a while to make an actual decision._

**2:59 pm:** _It probably helps my case that the protest sparked a larger movement that’s against the increased tuition. There’s a petition going around online that already has 2000+ signatures._

**3:01 pm:** dude thats awesome. can i sign it?

**3:04 pm:** _Go for it. It’s a petition aimed at all American schools, so anyone can sign it._

**3:06 pm:** nice ok cool

**3:07 pm:** fuckin capitalism, amirite

**3:10 pm:** _Fuckin capitalism indeed._

**5:50 pm: hey dude im glad ur not going 2 jail**

**5:57 pm:** _I feel the same way._

**6:02 pm: r wouldve been pissed af if ud abandoned him for prison**

**6:05 pm:** _That makes it sound like I would’ve had a choice in the matter._

**6:09 pm: didnt u tho**

**6:10 pm: u didnt have to punch some fancy pants academic dude**

**6:14 pm:** _Excuse me?_

**6:15 pm:** _I was protesting for a cause in which I believe. I may have not done the smartest thing, but it made an impact, and that’s what’s important._

**6:17 pm: whoa dude chill im just fuckin with u**

**6:18 pm: i think u did a great thing. stick it to the man. **

**6:20 pm:** _Oh._

**6:21 pm:** _I understand why you and R are friends now._

**6:25 pm: u mean other than the fact that were both gay socialists**

**6:27 pm: anyways dude im glad ur not going 2 jail & in all honesty i think breaking his entire face wouldve made more of an impact but again jail wouldnt have been good 4 ur movement so anyways**

**6:28 pm: have fun w the bureaucracy**

**6:30 pm:** _I’m looking forward to it._

**6:33 pm: lol i can imagine**

**6:33 pm: l8r dude**

****

**9:57 pm:** have u ever heard of spite houses

**10:08 pm:** _No, no I have not._

**10:11 pm:** its when ppl build houses with the express purpose of pissing someone else off

**10:14 pm:** _Why am I not surprised that you know this?_

**10:15 pm:** bc its fuckin fantastic, as am i

**10:17 pm:** _Oh, of course. How silly of me to not realize that building a house to annoy someone was fuckin fantastic._

**10:20 pm:** how is it NOT

**10:22 pm:** _Well, it sounds impractical, for one thing._

**10:25 pm:** not everything has to be practical. jesus enjy ur a fuckin phd student, how is that practical?? its admirable certainly but its not fuckin practical

**10:27 pm:** also u know that house across from the westboro baptist church?? the one thats been painted to support lgbt+ rights??? that counts as a spite house & u cant tell me that thats not fuckin fantastic

**10:30 pm:** _You’ve got me there._

**10:31 pm:** _Was this an attempt to distract me?_

**10:33 pm:** howd u guess

**10:36 pm:** _Everything you do is distracting. This one just seemed a tad more intentional than the others._

**10:38 pm:** what the FUCK is that supposed to mean

**10:41 pm:** _It wasn’t an insult._

**10:42 pm:** _Anyways, if it was intentional, I appreciate it._

**10:45 pm:** yeah well uve had a pretty rough couple of days

**10:46 pm:** considering that u punched someone purely out of spite, i thought u might appreciate the efforts of other similarly spiteful ppl

**10:49 pm:** _I DIDN’T PUNCH HIM OUT OF SPITE. I PUNCHED HIM BECAUSE PROVOST JAVERT IS CONTRIBUTING TO THE CONTINUALLY GROWING MASS OF STUDENT DEBT THAT IS RUINING THE LIVES OF THOUSANDS OF STUDENTS ACROSS THE COUNTRY._

**10:51 pm:**...

**10:52 pm:** _Oh. You were joking._

**10:54 pm:** now he gets it

**10:55 pm:** _Maybe I do need a distraction._

**10:58 pm:** yeah. yeah u do.

**10:58 pm:** http://findtheinvisiblecow.com

**10:59 pm:** _What’s that?_

**11:01 pm:** ur distraction

 

**11:16 pm: _Hi R, it’s Combeferre. I got your number from Enj’s phone once in case of emergency, I hope you don’t mind._**

**11:19 pm:** not at all

**11:20 pm: _Good. Because I have a question. Why is there cackling coming from Enj’s room?_**

**11:22 pm:** oh my god

**11:23 pm:** he needed a distraction. i provided him with one.

**11:25 pm: _Do I want to know?_**

**11:26 pm:** oh my god its not that kind of distraction

**11:27 pm:** its just a stupidly entertaining game. it got me through some of the more ridiculous classes in college.

**11:30 pm: _That makes more sense. Thank you._**

**11:32 pm:** no problem dude

 

**Monday, May 7 th**

**10:31 am:** _I got the fox._

**11:02 am:** do i even wanna know how long u played for

**11:14 am:** _No._

**11:17 am:** jesus

**11:18 am:** good distraction tho, right?

**11:20 am:** _Brilliant distraction. Stupid, but brilliant._

**11:23 am:** ill forgive the oxymoron bc u clearly spent far too much time playing find the invisible cow last night & it melted ur brain

**11:26 am:** _My brain is perfectly fine._

**11:28 am:** wasnt an insult, enjy. i spent weeks of my life playing that game. & considering that u can beat it in one sitting, well. my brain melted like the wicked witch of the west in water.

**11:31 am:** _Regardless, I appreciate it._

**11:35 am:** :)

 

**6:12 pm:** _Ferre_

**6:19 pm: _Enjolras_**

**6:21 pm:** _I don’t want to be expelled._

**6:22 pm: _You won’t be._**

**6:23 pm:** _How can you be so sure?_

**6:26 pm: _Because I know you, and I know that you could talk a polar bear out of mauling you if you had to._**

**6:27 pm:** _Yes, but polar bears don’t have codes and rules and bylaws._

**6:28 pm: _And humans don’t (usually) have insatiable bloodlust. So it balances out._**

**6:30 pm:** _I guess._

**6:31 pm: _Relax, Enj. Do you want Thai tonight?_**

**6:32 pm:** _Yes._

**6:35 pm: _I’ll order the usual._**

**6:37 pm:** _You’re the best. Thank you._

**Tuesday, May 8 th**

**2:09 am:** u really should get some sleep

**2:12 am:** _I can’t._

**2:21 am:** idk why ur nervous, i mean, its not like ur entire academic career is at stake or anything

**2:24 am:** _That was helpful, thank you._

**2:25 am:** i try

**2:29 am:** _I’m caught in a Wikipedia spiral. I was looking up something about statutory law around 11, and now I’m reading about the Uzbek language and I’m not entirely sure how I got here._

**2:31 am:** its been a long time since i got caught in a good wikipedia spiral omg

**2:32 am:** ive always been fascinated by central asia. did u know that the capital of tajikistan, dushanbe, is the persian word for monday? they literally live in monday 24/7.

**2:35 am:** _How do you keep so many inane facts in your brain?_

**2:38 am:** its a gift. ive been cultivating it for years

**2:39 am:** also, the former dictator of turkmenistan loved these certain specific melons so much that he created a national holiday for them

**2:40 am:** turkmenistan also has carpet day & racing horse day

**2:42 am:** _Fun Facts with Grantaire: 3am Edition_

**2:45 am:** ive gotta go, but if u want some more interesting & specific articles to read, try atlas obscura. its one of my faves. they specialize in weird places & fun facts. its great.

**2:49 am:** _Will do. Thanks, R._

**2:52 am:** anytime, dude. good luck tomorrow.

**2:54 am:** _Thanks._

**3:09 am:** _In the UK, over 100 000 people voted to name a polar research ship Boaty McBoatface? And it didn’t happen? I am disappointed._

**3:41 am:** _Electric eels can leap out of the water and electrocute their attacker?_

**4:01 am:** _In the mid 20 th century, gay men in the UK had their own secret language? _

**4:27 am:** _There is a Burger King in Finland that has a sauna inside._

**4:41 am:** _This website is a beautiful thing. Also, my meeting with the provost is in 5 hours, and I haven’t slept at all!_

**4:52 am:** _I’m going to turn my phone off now, and lie in my bed and stare at the ceiling whilst mourning the death of my academic career, tragically cut short by my impulsive fists._

**4:53 am:** _Goodnight, R._

**10:06 am:** fucking hell enjy

**10:07 am:** good luck with douchebag javert


	10. Chapter 10

**Tuesday, May 8 th**

**1:09 pm:** _I wasn’t expelled._

**1:12 pm:**!!!!!!!

 **1:13 pm:** any caveats tho??

**1:15 pm:** _I can’t do it again._

**1:19 pm:** u cant do??

**1:20 pm:** _No more… ‘Altercations’ was the word used, I believe._

**1:23 pm:** thats awesome dude congrats

 **1:24 pm:** & ur not being sued either, yeah?

**1:26 pm:** _Nope. Nothing._

**1:29 pm:** how the hell did that happen oh my god who did u sleep with

**1:32 pm:** _I don’t know. If I’m honest, I don’t remember anything from that meeting. I was so sleep deprived that the last thing I remember is walking into the administration building, and then I was shaking Javert’s hand, and one of his advisors was congratulating me on my ‘valiant efforts to combat unfair raises in tuition’._

**1:34 pm:** yikes dude was ur coffee spiked or somethin

**1:37 pm:** _No idea._

**1:41 pm:** dude are u ok??

**1:42 pm:** _I’m delighted._

**1:44 pm:** yeah u sound like it

 **1:51 pm:** that was sarcasm btw

**1:55 pm:** _I’m aware._

**2:02 pm:** hey ferre, is enj ok?

**2:05 pm: _Why do you ask?_**

**2:07 pm:** he doesnt seem exceptionally happy considering the fact that he wasnt expelled, sued, or thrown in jail

**2:09 pm: _He’s happy. He’s just, well, there were some unexpected developments that happened as a result of this whole ordeal, and he’s not particularly looking forward to dealing with them._**

**2:10 pm:** such as

**2:12 pm: _Well._**

**2:13 pm: _Let’s just say that his parents found out what happened. They weren’t very pleased._**

**2:16 pm:** his parents, huh?

**2:18 pm: _Has he ever mentioned them?_**

**2:19 pm:** no

**2:20 pm: _There’s good reason for that. It’s up to him if he wants to elaborate, but I will say that they aren’t the most… understanding people._**

**2:22 pm:** yeah i have some experience with shitty parents

 **2:23 pm:** well

 **2:23 pm:** im glad everything turned out ok with javert at any rate

**2:24 pm: _So am I, R. So am I._**

**7:15 pm:** _Combeferre told you that my parents have intervened._

**7:19 pm:** he mentioned it

**7:22 pm:** _They invited me to Boston for dinner to ‘talk things over’._

**7:23 pm:** & u dont wanna go

**7:25 pm:** _I would rather punch Javert again and see what happens than have dinner with my parents._

**7:26 pm:** so dont go

**7:28 pm:** _I don’t really have much of a say in the matter._

**7:29 pm:** when?

**7:31 pm:** _Friday night. I don’t have any classes or tutorials on Friday and my mother knew that, so I’m taking the train there on Friday morning._

**7:34 pm:** i didnt know that u were from boston

**7:36 pm:** _Born and raised._

**7:39 pm:** wait is that why u didnt go to harvard

**7:40 pm:** _Got it in one._

**7:42 pm:** theyre that bad?

**7:45 pm:** _Worse._

**7:47 pm:** jesus

**7:48 pm:** _Unfortunately._

**7:53 pm:** _It’ll be 3 hours of my parents making subtle, passive-aggressive comments about how me getting arrested and punching an important person in the face will reflect badly on them, and this, on top of them having to deal with the sheer HORROR of having a gay democrat in the family._

**7:55 pm:** yikes dude im sorry

**7:57 pm:** _Yeah, well, unfortunately I’m used to it._

**7:58 pm:** _Whatever. I’ve been pissing them off since birth. This dinner won’t be any different._

**8:04 pm:** feel free to tell me if im way out of line here but tbh i think u need another distraction

**8:07 pm:** _I’m not entirely sure how successful a distraction would be right now, but you’re welcome to try._

**8:09 pm:** literallyunbelievable.org

 **8:10 pm:** just. enjoy.

**8:14 pm:** _Thanks._

**8:21 pm: _Enjolras just smiled for the first time since his mother’s phone call. What did you do?_**

**8:24 pm:** why do u assume that i had something to do with it

**8:25 pm: _Didn’t you?_**

**8:26 pm:** well. yeah.

 **8:27 pm:** if hes looking at his computer & looks as though he cant believe the sheer stupidity of the human race then yes

**8:29 pm: _You make him happy._**

**8:31 pm:** i dont know what to say to that

**8:32 pm: _Just keep doing it. Whatever it is._**

****

**11:19 pm:** enjolras is officially gay

**11:21 pm: officially? did he get a certificate or somethin?**

**11:22 pm:** fuck off

 **11:23 pm:** he said something about his parents being unsupportive of him being a gay democrat

**11:26 pm: poor guy.**

**11:28 pm:** yeah.

**11:29 pm: that fuckin sucks, man. its 2016. the continued persecution of anyone who isnt white, straight, cis, & male is sickening.**

**11:31 pm:** i know. my parents were hardly perfect, but our problems never stemmed from the fact that i was gay. it was more that i wasnt gonna go to med school or law school or business school & instead chose to be a permanently broke artist.

**11:34 pm: well if theres one upside to this its that enjy is actually gay which means that ur little gay heart has a chance!!!!!!!**

**11:36 pm:** when did i say that i even wanted to date him

**11:38 pm: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OHHHHHHHH BOY THAT IS A GOOD ONE R UR FUNNY**

**11:40 pm:** courf. no. chill.

**11:41 pm: ur so gay 4 him oh my god r **

**11:42 pm:** NOPE.

**11:43 pm: YUP.**

**11:45 pm:** ok maybe a lil

**11:47 pm: knew it**

**11:52 pm:** apparently i make him happy

**11:54 pm: oh??????????**

**11:55 pm:** thats what his best friend says

**11:57 pm: ENJOLTAIRE 5EVER**

**11:58 pm: or maybe just renj. short & sweet, just like u!!**

**12:00 am:** no. stop. im not getting my hopes up. nope. goodbye.

**12:01 am: :)**

****

**Wednesday, May 8 th**

**9:28 pm: _We need to find a way to get Enj and R together._**

**9:37 pm:** um. ferre, i definitely agree, but 1) you hate matchmaking, and 2) you have never actually met r. 

**9:39 pm: _Yes. Which is why I’m recruiting you to help me._**

**9:41 pm:** i am admittedly intrigued.

**9:44 pm:** coffee tomorrow?

**9:45 pm: _3?_**

**9:36 pm:** sold.

**11:09 pm:** _ tell eponine that her phone has not stopped ringing for the last 2 hours and it’s getting annoying as fuck _

**11:11 pm:** why does she never use her goddamn phone

 **11:12 pm:** the entire point of a phone is to use it to contact ppl

 **11:12 pm:** i dont think her phone has moved from that table in 6 months?

**11:15 pm:** _ tell her that if she doesn’t come upstairs and turn it off in the next 5 minutes, feuilly and i are going to destroy it with a hammer, a lighter, and a bottle of vodka _

**11:19 pm:** she said to tell u that shell be up in a minute but shed like to watch u destroy it instead

**11:21 pm:** _ WHAT REALLY OK _

**11:22 pm:** its not like she used it anyways

 

**Thursday, May 9 th **

**4:49 pm:** dude we didnt talk at all yesterday what is this

**4:56 pm:** _Sorry R, I have a lot of work to do, since I spent all of last weekend occupied with, you know, being arrested, and then this upcoming weekend will be equally useless because of the Dinner From Hell._

**4:59 pm:** fair enough

 **5:01 pm:** well talk later then

 

 **11:13 pm:** duuuuuuuude I donyt thiunk thst eencjras likrdf rme aafyterw a;;

**11:16 pm: what happened to making him happy**

**11:18 pm:** ooihb thinjkyt haat io mskrt hi,,,,,, appu ytin s trsighty watyu!!!!!

**11:21 pm: ok what**

**11:25 pm:** ‘I think that I make him happy in a straight way.’

**11:27 pm: hi eponine**

**11:28 pm: ur drunk translator skills are as admirable as ever**

**11:30 pm:** Thank you.

 **11:31 pm:** ‘I want him to like me. In a gay way. Not a friend way.’

**11:34 pm: i see i see**

**11:37 pm: well. we shall see about that!! ENJOLTAIRE FOREVER.**

**11:39 pm:** I personally prefer Renj, but whatever.

**11:40 pm: ur the only one who feels that way ep **

**11:42 pm: anyways plan make the gays realize that they are gay 4 each other is now in action**

**11:43 pm: plan MTGRTTAG4EO for short**

**11:44 pm:** For short?

**11:47 pm: fine. we could just call it ‘the plan’ if u and ur boringness find that easier 2 remember **

**11:50 pm:** Me and my what?

**11:52 pm: GOOD NIGHT EP LOVE U**

**11:55 pm:** You’ll regret that.

 

**Friday, May 10 th**

**9:35 am:** _Sorry about the last few days. I had a mountain of work to go through._

**10:02 am:** dont worry about it dude

**10:07 am:** _I’m on the train. And tremendously bored. Any good distractions?_

**10:09 am:** chinchillas can hold grudges

 **10:10 am:** also u can try stupidcalculations.com

 **10:11 am:** theyve done a whole bunch of, well, stupid calculations like how long it would take to drink a pool. there arent a lot but the ones they do have are great.

**10:14 am:** _Perfect. Thank you._

**10:16 am:** anytime, dude. im going back to sleep now.

 

**6:10 pm: _Hi R, I hope that this message doesn’t weird you out unnecessarily, but are you working tonight?_**

**6:15 pm:** i work at a bar. in nyc. its friday night. what do u think

**6:18 pm: _Perfect._**

**6:19 pm:** um. why do u ask

**6:21 pm: _No reason._**

 

 **6:25 pm:** hey enjy ferre just texted me & asked if i was working tonight. do u know what thats about?

 **6:39 pm:** right. ur at dinner.

 **6:52 pm:** good luck with that btw!!! u can do it.

 

**7:09 pm:** 14th and 6th at 7:30, right?

**7:14 pm: _Yes. Although the 1 is late, so I might be a couple minutes late._**

**7:17 pm:** i’ll see you when i see you, then.

**7:22 pm: _Indeed you will._**

**8:47 pm:** image584.jpeg

**9:07 pm:** _Where did you find that picture of Combeferre and Jehan?_

**9:08 pm:** _Wait._

**9:13 pm:** ur friends are great

**9:19 pm:** _Oh my god._

**9:20 pm:** _WHAT DID YOU DO._

**9:24 pm:** love you enj

**9:27 pm: _It’s for your own good._**

**9:31 pm:** _ARGH._

**9:34 pm:** _PICK UP THE PHONE DAMMIT_

**9:36 pm:** _COMBEFERRE AND JEHAN I SWEAR TO GOD PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE_

**9:43 pm:** _I despise you both._

**9:51 pm:** _WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THIS ON TONIGHT OF ALL NIGHTS_

**10:05 pm:** _AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH_

**10:17 pm:** _Please don’t show him these messages._

**10:24 pm:** _Fuck._


	11. Chapter 11

**Friday, May 10 th **

**10:41 pm: _You have good taste in men, Enj. Jehan and I were pleasantly surprised._**

**10:44 pm:** _There is a very good chance that I will murder you both when I get back tomorrow._

**10:46 pm: _And what would R think?_**

**10:47 pm:** _He doesn’t need to know._

**10:48 pm: _We’re pretty sure he’d notice._**

**10:49 pm: _You know, seeing as we’ve made plans for next Friday too!_**

**10:51 pm:** _What._

**10:54 pm: _Of course, you’re invited too. It’s at the Musain. Eponine wants to meet you, and Bahorel would love to see you again._**

**10:56 pm:** _I leave for 12 hours and suddenly you two are social butterflies?_

**10:59 pm: _it’s jehan – r’s friends are really lovely, enj. and they all really want to meet you, especially r._**

**11:04 pm:** _Don’t be ridiculous._

**11:06 pm: _I’m sorry, how are we being ridiculous?_**

**11:09 pm:** _I am not having drinks next FRIDAY with my TEXTING BUDDY at his friend’s BAR with all of his FRIENDS PRESENT._

**11:11 pm: _And you say we’re being ridiculous._**

**11:12 pm: _Enj, what makes this any different than going on a date with someone you met online?_**

**11:15 pm:** _Because we’re not dating. He doesn’t even like me! And he texted me by accident! And WE’RE NOT DATING!_

**11:17 pm: _That could change, were you to actually meet in person._**

**11:18 pm:** _What makes you think that I even want to date R?_

**11:20 pm: _jehan again – enj. he once made you ditch class to hide in the bathroom because you were hyperventilating, and all because he happened to mention that he liked Hamilton (which is admittedly fantastic and also a work of art but STILL)_**

**11:21 pm:** _That proves nothing, other than a deep and eternal love for Lin-Manuel Miranda and everything relating to Hamilton_

**11:23 pm: _You are utterly ridiculous._**

**11:26 pm:** _This entire conversation is only happening because you two STALKED R TO HIS PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT._

**11:27 pm:** _You’re both FILTHY HYPOCRITES._

**11:29 pm: _maybe we are ridiculous enj but that doesn’t mean that we’re wrong. you like this guy, and ferre and i just want you to be happy! and you make r happy and he makes you happy, but you’re too shy to do anything yourself! we just wanted to help._**

**11:32 pm:** _It is very difficult to stay angry with you, Jehan._

**11:33 pm: _i know. it’s a gift._**

**11:35 pm:** _That doesn’t mean that I’m going to have drinks with R next week, though. No. That is. Not happening. No._

**11:37 pm: _It doesn’t matter, we have a week to convince you otherwise._**

**11:39 pm:** _NO._

**11:40 pm: _Oh, I think so. Protest all you like, you’ll be there and there is very little that you can do to stop it._**

**11:43 pm:** _Combeferre, since when are you so meddlesome? Jehan, sure, but you? What is this?_

**11:46 pm: _Since I saw you smile at your phone, and everything else as well, for a week straight after he told you that you were ‘ridiculously pretty’, or whatever it was. Since he made you relax and focus on things other than school. Since R managed to make you actually HAPPY for the first time in the 20+ years I’ve known you._**

**11:47 pm:** _Oh._

**11:48 pm:** _You two need to stop talking. I’m trying to be angry with you._

**11:50 pm: _Goodnight, Enj. Sleep well, and dream of your curly-haired ‘texting buddy’._**

**11:52 pm:** _Goodnight._

**11:53 pm:** _Wait, what do you mean ‘curly-haired’?_

**11:56 pm: _Night, Enj._**

**11:57 pm:** _YOU CAN’T DO THIS. IT ISN’T FAIR._

**11:58 pm:** _RUDE._

**Saturday, May 11 th**

**1:24 am:** how was dinner with ur parents

**1:26 am:** _Tedious, offensive, ostentatious, beyond belief, endless, pointless, agonizing… take your pick._

**1:28 am:** ouch

**1:29 am:** thats rough

**1:31 am:** _You have no idea._

**1:35 am:** i do hope that u dont actually plan to murder jehan & ferre. theyre both wonderful.

**1:38 am:** _Have you been talking to them?_

**1:40 am:** not since they left. but they both seemed pretty convinced that u would attempt to murder them once u realized that they came to visit me

**1:42 am:** _Me? I am far too peaceful and rational to even attempt murder, especially on my dearest friends._

**1:44 am:** enjy, last weekend u got arrested for punching someone in the face

**1:46 am:** _Really? I don’t remember that. That doesn’t sound like something I’d do._

**1:49 am:** hilarious, enjolras, really.

**1:51 am:** _I am sorry, though._

**1:52 am:** um, why?

**1:53 am:** i mean yeah it was weird to see the ppl uve been talking about for the past month in person at the musain but honestly dude ur friends are great. im glad i met them. it was enlightening.

**1:55 am:** _…Enlightening?_

**1:58 am:** i may have seen some pictures from a certain pride week a few years ago

**2:00 am:** _He didn’t._

**2:01 am:** oh, he did

**2:04 am:** _I’m going to actually murder Combeferre. 100% serious._

**2:06 am:** now dont do that, enjy, u looked fantastic. those photos are a gift to humanity.

**2:09 am:** _Enough with the sarcasm._

**2:11 am:** not sarcasm. 200% serious. dude. ur a greek god whose mere presence is a blessing to us simple mortals. and when wearing stilettos, eyeliner, & rainbow booty shorts? dear lord above, i may need resuscitation

**2:15 am:** ur blushing arent u

**2:18 am:** _Shut up._

**2:20 am:** ur reluctance to accept ur own beauty is baffling, yet fascinating

**2:21 am:** _Shut UP._

**2:24 am:** :)

 

**2:34 am:** _I WISH HE WOULD STOP FLIRTING WITH ME_

**8:49 am:** um?

**8:52 am:** _screenshot11.jpeg_

**8:55 am:** and you think that he doesn’t like you. 

**8:57 am:** _HE DOESN’T._

**8:58 am:** enj, even you cannot be that oblivious. i get that it is literally your job to be oblivious to everything except your work, but OH MY GOD ENJOLRAS.

**8:59 am:** he called you a greek god. and even you recognized that he was flirting with you. 

**9:01 am:** _I just want him to mean it._

**9:04 am:** what makes you think that he doesn’t mean it?

**9:06 am:** _He’s never even MET me. Who likes someone they’ve never met?_

**9:08 am:** would you like me to state the obvious

**9:09 am:** enj. i’ve known you for 8 years, and i’ve never seen you like someone this much, and you’ve only known him for a month.

**9:10 am:** _But what if when I meet him in person, there’s nothing there? It’s awkward and terrible and we hate each other and everything we have is ruined._

**9:12 am:** well, speaking as someone who’s actually MET the guy, i don’t think that you’ll be disappointed. he’s cute. smart. talented. and he’s clearly not afraid to debate with you, which means that you’ll never be bored with him.

**9:13 am:** you’re willing to risk what could possibly be an amazing relationship for the fear of it not going well?

**9:15 am:** _Yes. Most definitely._

**9:18 am:** jesus, enj.

**9:19 am:** you’ve organized protests, strikes, walk-outs, etc, for years, without a second thought, and yet the possibility of going on a date has you terrified?

**9:21 am:** _Yes._

**9:22 am:** i don’t understand you

**9:25 am:** _Neither do I._

**9:29 am:** well. this’ll be interesting. 

**9:31 am:** _I hope not._

**9:32 am:** enjolras.

**9:33 am:** _Jehan._

**9:35 am:** you will meet r and you will like him and he will like you and everything will be great

**9:38 am:** _I wish I had your optimism._

**9:40 am:** so do i

**12:09 pm: hey r**

**12:21 pm:** what

**12:22 pm: that cute guy with glasses? enjys friend?**

**12:25 pm:** what about him

**12:26 him: hes cute. glasses. **

**12:27 pm:** yes & your point is?

**12:30 pm: CUTE. GLASSES.**

**12:31 pm: GIMME HIS NUMBER**

**12:34 pm:** why would i do that

**12:36 pm: bc im the whole reason that u have enjolras**

**12:40 pm:** i could point out that it was a complete accident & u only did it bc u were a cowardly shit

**12:41 pm: no. it was a part of my plan. u were always meant 2 fall for a feisty godlike grad student.**

**12:43 pm: so u owe me. payment for setting u up with a cute grad student is that u must set me up with a different cute grad student**

**12:44 pm: or, u know, i could text enjolras abt it instead**

**12:47 pm:** ur impossible

**12:48 pm: thank u**

**12:50 pm:** fine. but dont annoy him. hes a decent dude.

**12:51 pm: me? annoy someone? AS IF**

**12:54 pm:** ok there cher horowitz

 

**3:38 pm:** _You have curly hair?_

**3:47 pm:** uh. yes?

**3:49 pm:** _Oh. So do I._

**3:50 pm:** i know. ive seen pictures

**3:52 pm:** _This isn’t fair._

**3:55 pm:** life is generally unfair yes

**3:57 pm:** _Well yes, but you know what I look like, and all I know about your physical appearance is that you’re short and have curly hair._

**4:00 pm:** would u like a picture of me?

**4:03 pm:** _If you don’t mind._

**4:07 pm:** not at all

**4:08 pm:** image587.jpeg

**4:10 pm:** _R._

**4:11 pm:** what

**4:12 pm:** _That is a picture of Frodo._

**4:14 pm:** so ive been told

**4:16 pm:** _You’re not Elijah Wood._

**4:19 pm:** are u sure about that

 

**4:23 pm:** _R isn’t Elijah Wood, right?_

**4:27 pm: _Pardon my language, but, Enjolras, what the fuck?_**

**4:28 pm:** _That’s reassuring, thank you._

**4:30 pm:** _You’re not Elijah Wood._

**4:32 pm:** u just asked ferre didnt u

**4:35 pm:** _Pfffft. No._

**4:37 pm:** liar

**4:38 pm:** _I am extremely honest._

**4:40 pm:** really

**4:41 pm:** _Always._

**4:42 pm:** ok then

**4:43 pm:** in that case

**4:43 pm:** what is ur honest opinion of me

**4:44 pm:** _What_

**4:45 pm:** _Oh my god._

**4:45 pm:** _You can’t just ask me that_

**4:46 pm:** & yet i did

**4:49 pm:** _Oh my god._

**4:55 pm:** that wasnt an answer

**5:12 pm:** enjy?

**5:45 pm:** i have to say, when ferre & jehan said that this would happen, i will admit that i didnt entirely believe them. i concede. they were right. i was wrong.

**6:07 pm:** wow enjy

**6:52 pm:** this would almost be funny if it wasnt about my love life (or lack thereof, apparently)

**7:26 pm:** they said to give u a few hours to calm down so i will

**7:27 pm:** but i do definitely expect an answer to that question at some point

**7:27 pm:** so. until later.


	12. Chapter 12

**Sunday, May 12 th **

**11:17 am:** ferre. he still hasnt texted me back.

**11:21 am: _Enjolras is an awkward nerd. Don’t forget that._**

**11:22 am:** um

**11:25 am: _As a rule, he doesn’t date. So you’re… An aberration._**

**11:26 am:** thanks.

**11:29 am: _He has no idea what he’s doing, no matter how much he may claim otherwise. But he does like you. Quite a lot. He wouldn’t be freaking out otherwise._**

**11:31 am:** ughghg

**11:32 am: _Indeed._**

**1:58 pm: combeferre, right?**

**2:03 pm: _Who is this?_**

**2:05 pm: courfeyrac. we met at the musain on friday.**

**2:06 pm: _The enthusiastic one?_**

**2:08 pm: thats usually how im described yes **

**2:09 pm: _Well, it’s lovely to hear from you. How can I help you?_**

**2:12 pm: go out with me next week. tuesday?**

**2:14 pm: _Did you just ask me out?_**

**2:16 pm: yes yes yes i did**

**2:19 pm: _Do you mind if I ask why?_**

**2:21 pm: ur cute. ive always had a thing 4 glasses. also, arent u doing ur phd in genetic engineering???**

**2:22 pm: _I am, yes._**

**2:25 pm: im a lawyer, corporate. some of my clients are big research companies who specialize in bioengineering. i make sure that theyre not breaking any laws & also help them with patents & shit. id like 2 hear abt ur research.**

**2:26 pm: _Oh._**

**2:29 pm: _Tuesday, you said?_**

**2:30 pm: yup**

**2:34 pm: _You’re on. 9pm?_**

**2:36 pm: NICE ok cool we can figure out a place on tuesday???**

**2:38 pm: _Sounds perfect._**

**2:39 pm: great!!!! cant wait**

****

**3:44 pm:** hey bahorel can u pick up some chocolate chips when u go grocery shopping today

**3:51 pm:** _ what’s wrong _

**3:53 pm:** what do u mean

**3:55 pm:** _ u only eat chocolate chips when ur stressed about something_

**3:56 pm:** omg

**3:57 pm:** i do???? i do

**3:57 pm:** legit never noticed that

**3:59 pm:** _ so what’s up? _

**4:01 pm:** enjolras hasnt texted me back

**4:02 pm:** i asked him how he felt abt me & he panicked & its been almost 24 hrs & he still hasnt gotten back 2 me

**4:05 pm:** _ that’s rough, man _

**4:06 pm:** _ if it helps, ive known enj longer than u have, & hes always been a bit. skittish.  _

**4:09 pm:** yeah combeferre said the same thing

**4:10 pm:** but i still wish he would TEXT ME BACK

**4:12 pm:** _ shit dude. ill definitely get chocolate chips.  _

**4:13 pm:** thanks dude

 

**7:16 pm:** ok enjolras its been a full day

**7:17 pm:** u couldve literally said ‘ur a cool dude’ & that wouldve been a valid opinion

**7:17 pm:** i wouldve accepted that

**Monday, May 13 th**

**2:08 am:** omg enjy

 

**11:25 am:** i give up

 

**1:04 pm:** _Courfeyrac, did you ask Combeferre out?_

**1:09 pm: yeah man why do u ask**

**1:10 pm:** _He’s been in a good mood for about 24 hours straight now. I haven’t seen him this happy since his research proposal for the generation of pluripotent stem cells in mice came through._

**1:14 pm: ill remember 2 ask him about that tomorrow. but why does him looking happy make u think i asked him**

**1:19 pm:** _Oh, I went through his phone._

**1:21 pm: then why did u ASK**

**1:24 pm:** _I was being polite._

**1:25 pm: ok?????**

**1:26 pm:** Courfeyrac.

**1:29 pm: enjolras**

**1:32 pm:** _I realize that you haven’t actually gone on a date yet, but you should know that if you hurt Combeferre, well. You know that I went to jail last weekend. For attacking someone._

**1:35 pm: enjolras are u THREATENING me **

**1:37 pm: omg dude i think i love u**

**1:38 pm:** _What?_

**1:40 pm: i wont hurt him. hes cute & smart & he wears glasses. **

**1:43 pm:** _I was unaware that wearing glasses made someone impervious to pain._

**1:44 pm: im just saying that i have no plans to hurt combeferre.**

**1:45 pm:** _Good._

**1:46 pm: now while were on that subject**

**1:47 pm: r.**

**1:49 pm:** _What about R?_

**1:51 pm: if u hurt him, dude, the fact that u went to jail will not matter. bc r is my best friend & if u hurt him, well, i will not stand 4 it. **

**1:53 pm:** _Duly noted._

**1:56 pm: now that we have a plan in place 4 if one of us hurts the other ones best friend can we chill & be friends **

**1:57 pm:** _I would like that._

**1:59 pm: great!!!!!!! good**

**2:09 pm: u know enjolras really is a cool dude**

**2:11 pm:** um.

**2:12 pm: he threatened to end me if i hurt combeferre & i threatened to end him if he hurt u & now we are the best of bros**

**2:13 pm: oh yeah i asked combeferre out btw & he said yes**

**2:15 pm:** wait u talked to him? when?

**2:16 pm: yesterday afternoon! i think i surprised him a bit but anyways he said yes so its all good & we’re going out tomorrow night!! at 9!!**

**2:19 pm:** no courf when did u talk to enjolras

**2:22 pm: just before i talked 2 u**

**2:24 pm:** oh

**2:25 pm: wait whats up **

**2:26 pm:** enjolras hasnt texted me back for almost 2 days

**2:27 pm: wait WHAT**

**2:29 pm:** screenshot61.jpeg

**2:32 pm: oh fuck**

**2:33 pm:** idk what hes doing but hes clearly avoiding me

**2:35 pm: that sneaky little shitwagon**

**2:37 pm:** nah dude im just gonna give him space. hes clearly uncomfortable around me now so thats sorta my only option anyways

**2:40 pm: RUDE. RUDE & MEAN.**

**2:41 pm: THIS WILL NOT CONTINUE.**

**2:43 pm:** uh. courf. what are u doing.

**2:44 pm: DEALING WITH IT.**

**2:44 pm:** courf. no.

****

**2:44 pm: way to renege on our deal BEFORE WE EVEN MADE IT**

**2:46 pm:** _Wait, what?_

**2:47 pm: U MADE A DEAL WITH ME NOT TO HURT R WHILE U WERE LITERALLY IN THE PROCESS OF HURTING HIM**

**2:48 pm: DUDE THAT IS SO NOT COOL**

**2:50 pm:** _R is upset?_

**2:51 pm: uh yeah dude did u miss the part where u havent talked 2 him for TWO ENTIRE DAYS**

**2:53 pm:** _I needed time to process my feelings._

**2:55 pm: u needed time 2 process ur BULLSHIT**

**2:56 pm:** _Excuse me?_

**2:59 pm: enjolras, r REALLY likes u. & now he thinks that u dont feel the same way bc uve been ignoring him.**

**3:01 pm:** _What? No! I’VE BEEN PROCESSING._

**3:02 pm: then TELL HIM THAT. STOP IGNORING HIM FOR THE SAKE OF FUCK BC UR HURTING HIM & THAT HURTS TO WATCH BC R DESERVES THE BEST.**

**3:09 pm:** _I don’t know if I can._

**3:11 pm: oh, u better.**

**3:12 pm:** _I…_

**3:15 pm: just do it omg enjolras u like him right**

**3:17 pm:** _You know that I do._

**3:19 pm: then tell him that!! just like that!!! u can do it!!!!!!!!**

**3:20 pm: look enjy r isnt going to put up with this for much longer. if u want a chance with him, tell him that. **

**3:21 pm:** _You’re sure he likes me?_

**3:22 pm: positive. **

**3:22 pm: enjolras. last week u punched a guy bc he messed with ur beliefs. & yet ur scared to TEXT the guy u like.**

**3:25 pm:** _Oh my god, FINE._

**3:29 pm: i will be checking in on u. if u havent texted him by 4, i shall appear at ur house with my fists & a list of my best insults.**

****

**3:39 pm:** _R._

**3:41 pm:** well would u look at that, he LIVES!

**3:42 pm:** _I’m sorry._

**3:43 pm:** oh, dont be. its clear that disappearing for a few days is preferable telling me how u feel abt me.

**3:44 pm:** hard to blame u there

**3:46 pm:** _R. No. That isn’t what happened._

**3:47 pm:** really.

**3:49 pm:** _Well, ok, that is what happened. But it’s not for the reason that you think._

**3:52 pm:** hmm.

**3:53 pm:** _I panicked._

**3:54 pm:** believe it or not, i figured that part out.

**3:56 pm:** _R. Grantaire. I am sorry. I’m bad with feelings._

**3:59 pm:** theres no need to be sorry. im not mad. u dont have to justify ur actions to me. its fine. i get it.

**4:01 pm:** _Really?_

**4:04 pm:** yeah. dont worry about it. i understand.

**4:05 pm:** _Um. Ok?_

**4:06 pm:** yup.

**4:07 pm:** _R?_

**4:10 pm:** what

**4:12 pm:** _I am sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you._

**4:15 pm: did enjolras text u**

**4:17 pm:** yup

**4:20 pm: good**

****

**10:05 pm: bahorel**

**10:09 pm:** _ sup _

**10:12 pm: i just got a text from joly. apparently r hasnt stopped drinking for the last 3 hrs or so? do u know what happened?**

**10:15 pm:** _ i don’t know specifics but i do know that he’s been eating chocolate chips for the last 6 hours so things arent good  _

**10:17 pm: shit.**

**10:18 pm:** _ yeah dude idk  _

**10:19 pm:** _ i mean he has rough nights every so often and when this happens usually he just wants to be left alone for a while. he usually gets better in a day or two. it’s worrying, but hardly out of the ordinary unfortunately. _

**10:20 pm: SHIT.**

**10:21 pm: im gonna fix this gimme a minute**

**10:22 pm:** _ good luck with that _

__

**10:26 pm: what the fuck happened**

**10:28 pm:** _I wish I knew._

**10:29 pm: he hasnt answered any of my calls & one of our friends said that hes been drinking pretty heavily **

**10:30 pm:** _I have no idea. He misunderstood me._

**10:31 pm:** _screenshot19.jpeg_

**10:32 pm: omg**

**10:33 pm: damn r & his pessimistic self-deprecation **

**10:36 pm:** _What do I do?_

**10:38 pm: clarify things. & preferably sooner, rather than later.**

**10:41 pm:** _I’ll do my best._

**11:02 pm:** _R? Can we talk?_

**11:09 pm:** enjolyras do whatevbr the fuvk u want

**11:12 pm:** _Ok, this conversation would probably be better when you’re sober._

**11:14 pm:** ok. takj neber then

**11:15 pm:** _God dammit Grantaire_

**11:19 pm:** _Bahorel. How do I contact Eponine._

**11:22 pm:** _ enjolras? hi. well, her phone is currently lying in our kitchen. or, well, what’s left of her phone, at any rate. _

**11:24 pm:** _Fuck._

**11:26 pm:** _ is this about r? _

**11:27 pm:** _Yeah._

**11:29 pm:** _ ok, give me a minute. _

**11:34 pm:** _ Enjolras? _

**11:35 pm:** _Eponine?_

**11:36 pm:** _ Can you explain to me why R has been drinking for almost 5 hours now? _

**11:38 pm:** _It’s been a huge misunderstanding. Can you cut him off, please? And get him sober? I need to talk to him, and he won’t listen when he’s drunk._

**11:41 pm:** _ Are you going to break up with him? _

**11:42 pm:** _Ok. 1) We were never actually dating._

**11:43 pm:** _ You better have a better answer than that if you want me to help you. _

**11:44 pm:** _2) I would like to change that. But he doesn’t believe me._

**11:45 pm:** _ FINALLY. Yeah. Give me an hour.  _

**11:47 pm:** _You are a goddess among mortals._

**11:48 pm:** _ I know. _

__

**Tuesday, May 14 th**

**1:02 am:** _R?_

**1:05 am:** what

**1:07 am:** _Are you sober?_

**1:08 am:** close enough

**1:09 am:** this had better be good. eponine wouldnt explain anything to me.

**1:09 am:** she also locked me in the broom closet & wont let me out until ive talked to u so please make it quick

**1:10 am:** _Fuck. Ok._

**1:14 am:** was that all

**1:16 am:** _What? NO._

**1:17 am:** what part of ‘make it quick’ did u not understand

**1:18 am:** _I. Shit. Ok._

**1:19 am:** _R. I like you._

**1:24 am:** was that all

**1:25 am:** i got locked in a broom closet so that u could tell me that u liked me

**1:25 am:** jesus

**1:27 am:** _No. Not like that._

**1:28 am:** ok.

**1:31 am:** _I like you. A lot. I really, really like you._

**1:32 am:** great

**1:34 am:** _WOULD YOU LET ME FINISH?_

**1:36 am:** im in a broom closet with 3 moldy mops & some freaky lookin windex so if u could hurry it up that would be really great

**1:39 am:** _I. Ok. R. I like you. A lot. I want to meet you. In person. And go on a date. And hear your weird facts and see your curly hair. In person._

**1:40 am:** im listening

**1:42 am:** _You make me happy. Your texts make my days better. You make me laugh. You make me uncomfortable, and the fact that you HAVE the ability to make me uncomfortable makes me happy. I may be awkward and terrible with emotions and have no idea how to date someone or even how to ask them out, but that doesn’t change the fact that you make me want to try._

**1:43 am:** shit

**1:46 am:** _R – Grantaire – whatever you prefer, R, I presume? – I want to date you. I want to meet all your friends and your cats and see your artwork and teach you more French swearwords and I want to do it all in person. So._

**1:47 am:** oh my god

**1:48 am:** _Could you say something else, please? I kind of just. Exposed myself._

**1:50 am:** ok.

**1:51 am:** _Ok?_

**1:52 am:** ok. to all of it.

**1:53 am:** _Really?_

**1:54 am:** really.

**1:55 am:** _In that case, I’ll come to the Musain on Friday. With Jehan and Combeferre._

**1:56 am:** _We can figure things out from there?_

**1:59 am:** that sounds perfect.

**2:02 am:** _I’m looking forward to it._

**2:05 am:** so am i

**2:07 am:** _Has Eponine let you out of the broom closet yet?_

**2:09 am:** she has. she also laughed a lot at the symbolism.

**2:10 am:** _Oh. Good._

**2:13 am:** uve really never done this before have u

**2:15 am:** _That obvious?_

**2:16 am:** kinda, yeah

**2:18 am:** _Hey, R?_

**2:19 am:** yeah?

**2:20 am:** _Look at the date._

**2:21 am:** the date?

**2:21 am:** omg. its the 14th.

**2:22 am:** _We’ve officially been talking for a month._

**2:24 am:** what are the chances of that

**2:25 am:** _I don’t know? Math isn’t really my thing._

**2:26 am:** happy mensiversary enjy!!!

**2:27 am:** _Did you look up the right word this time?_

**2:29 am:** of course. need to impress my date.

**2:30 am:** _Good answer._

**2:31 am:** _Hey R, I’m going to go to bed now. I’ll talk to you tomorrow._

**2:32 am:** ok. goodnight, enjy. sleep well. sweet dreams.

**2:33 am:** _I hope I dream of you._

**2:35 am:** OH MY GOD ENJOLRAS

**2:36 am:** _In a non-sexual way. Of course._

**2:37 am:** ok, enjy. whatever u say.

**2:38 am:** ill talk to u tomorrow

**2:39 am:** _And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that…_

**2:41 am:** just go to sleep u awkward nerd

**2:49 am:** _Ok._

**3:31 am:** did u know that there was an instrument made out of live cats? they made different notes when someone drove nails into their tails

**3:37 am:** ok. good night enjy. in case u didnt know, i kinda really really like u too. ill talk to u in a few hours. ok. goodnight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all, folks. I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading!


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